Monday, May 27, 2013

"Do you have the faith to not be healed?"


"Do you have the faith to not be healed?" - Elder Bednar (READ THIS TALK--SO AMAZING)

This question has been on my mind non-stop today (because of this post), but it reflects a question I've run through in my mind over and over again.  I've always felt like I have faith, but there have been a few times when I've really questioned that.  Not questioned my faith, necessarily, but questioned the strength of my faith.

I definitely have faith that the Lord can "heal" me, but do I have the "faith not to be healed"?

Sometimes I think my faith, especially during our infertility has been based on the hope that it WILL happen someday.  But there have been a few times when I've thought, "But, what if it doesn't happen?  Will I have the faith to accept Heavenly Father's will if it isn't His will for me to have children in this lifetime?"

I don't know if I'm completely there yet.  I know at one point I couldn't even bear the thought of that.  It made me sick.  Motherhood has always been a part of my identity that is just waiting to fully blossom.  What if a large part of my personal identity never gets fulfilled?  How do you fill that void?

As time goes on I don't think I'm to the point where I could fully "accept" that, but maybe I'm to the point where I think maybe I could survive.  I could get through the day-to-day with the help of the Lord.

Maybe having faith to not be healed doesn't mean being happy about not "being healed", it's believing that IF that is the Lord's will, He will help you through it somehow.  Maybe it means having faith that if it's not His will to heal you physically or to take the trial away, that over time He will heal you emotionally.

There have been many times when I have cried out that life just IS NOT fair and there is no way in hell that I can make it through...and somehow I always do.  Then I don't always look back and think man, that was fun.  But, I do look back and see the blessings that came from it and how it strengthened my relationship with my Savior and how it made me into the person that I am.

 If you want to learn more about the basis for my faith in the Savior, click here.

7 comments:

Bryan and Sarah said...

Love it! Thank you for sharing. Favorite line: "I don't always look back and think man, that was fun. But, I do look back and see the blessings that came from it and how it strengthened my relationship with my Savior and how it made me into the person that I am." I understand that line.

Liz Johnson said...

I love this post and this concept. I've thought a lot about Christ's role as a healer, and what it means to be healed... and what it means to NOT be healed. So often we figure that if we just have enough faith, everything will turn out - but sometimes, we have just enough faith for things to NOT turn out, too. Anyways, I love this post. And I'm keeping the faith that you're going to have a gaggle of children, just around the corner!

I'll pray for your cousin's mom. :(

Rach said...

This talk made a lasting impression on me as well, it's so true what you said. I was totally thinking of it as I wrote my blog post all last week. The miracle is that you can get through anything, and look how much you've already gone through Steph. You sure are amazing. And you are a mother. :-) And God has a very specific plan for you and for Matt. And He wants you to be happy. Even if you have to continue through this long dark tunnel, there is light along the way, and especially at the end waiting for you.

Andrea said...

This talk made a SIGNIFICANT impression on me I listened to it while folding laundry during a very difficult time in Gracie's treatment. If pierced my soul. I have a thought a friend posted once from Sis Hinckley that I feel goes right hand in hand with it. This is paraphrased...sorry but here goes my best shot "don't pray for challenges equal to your strength pray for strength equal to your challenges" we CAN over come anything although I myself have cried out in the middle of the night a time or two I CANNOT BEAR THIS PLEASE TAKE THIS FROM ME. Any time this has been my plea it has NOT been taken and I began to question why. I now realize thanks to that quote I instead should have said Father I cannot endure this alone please be with me and HELP me, give me extra strength so I may bear this burden. Keep hoping, days will be long, days will be hard, overwhelming and painful. But thank heavens for a Father in Heaven who will help us endure each day, each hour, minute and even second.

Andrea said...

This talk made a SIGNIFICANT impression on me I listened to it while folding laundry during a very difficult time in Gracie's treatment. If pierced my soul. I have a thought a friend posted once from Sis Hinckley that I feel goes right hand in hand with it. This is paraphrased...sorry but here goes my best shot "don't pray for challenges equal to your strength pray for strength equal to your challenges" we CAN over come anything although I myself have cried out in the middle of the night a time or two I CANNOT BEAR THIS PLEASE TAKE THIS FROM ME. Any time this has been my plea it has NOT been taken and I began to question why. I now realize thanks to that quote I instead should have said Father I cannot endure this alone please be with me and HELP me, give me extra strength so I may bear this burden. Keep hoping, days will be long, days will be hard, overwhelming and painful. But thank heavens for a Father in Heaven who will help us endure each day, each hour, minute and even second.

Kristin said...

Amazing. I love this.

Ami-lee Parton said...

Yes! I'm so glad I read, because it's exactly how I feel sometimes, today in particular. Having faith is one thing, but having faith in it NOT happening, that's on a whole nother level and something that I think about a lot. Becoming a mother is the one thing that I have always wanted and what if it doesn't happen? I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does I really hope that I have the faith to get me through it :)

Love your posts, they help me so much!

Ami xxx