Infertility: Dos and Don'ts

My eyes water and my chest gets all tight just looking at this picture.

(Photo taken from the movie "Up."  I love that infertility is being portrayed in the media more and more.)

I know some people struggle with what to do to help their friend or family member during this trial.  So, I've enlisted the help of several friends who have experience with infertility, to help me come up with a good list of general "dos and don'ts."  Many of these are word for word quotes or experiences from other women facing infertility.  

I apologize if some of these are blunt, but these posts are meant to raise awareness and if we don't come out and say it like it is you may not know what is hurtful or offensive.  At the end of the day we understand that it is our responsibility to not be too easily offended or hold grudges, but you can really help by doing your part to be sensitive and kind.

Watch what you say

• It's probably not wise to ask someone, "So... when are you going to have kids?"  Even if they aren't struggling with infertility!  
• "You'll be able to start your family someday."  See, we've all already started our family.  Just because we don't have kids, doesn't mean we aren't a family. 
• "This [pregnancy] is what happens when you stop taking birth control."  Obviously this equation doesn't work for everyone.

Don't make assumptions

(I feel like a lot of these issues arise when people assume something) 

• "When are you going to let her have a baby?"  Directed at the husband as if he's holding up the process.
• When someone tells you they aren't feeling well, it's best not to say, "Are you pregnant?" or "Do you need some saltine crackers *wink*?"
• "We're waiting too" or "It took me a while to decide to have a baby."  Don't assume that just because someone doesn't have kids it's some sort of life decision they are making.  Infertility affects 10% of couples of reproductive age.

Don't make fake pregnancy announcements

• April fools jokes, or any other jokes that involve announcing a fake pregnancy aren't appreciated by those who get a stabbing pain in their heart every time someone announces a "real" pregnancy.
• Several women also said that a heads up from family members, if they know you're struggling, before they announce a pregnancy is always appreciated.

Avoid making suggestions

• Suggestions like, "just relax" or "take those prenatals" or "try yoga" or "take a vacation" are well meant, but not helpful.  There is no magic formula for getting pregnant.  Trust me, infertility is ALWAYS in the back of my mind, so I know all the tricks and tips about timing, diet, etc.
• If you know the person well and they have told you everything about their situation, you may consider asking them if they have ever considered trying ________.  There are different types of infertility, so making a suggestion about timing to someone who can get pregnant every cycle, but miscarries, isn't very helpful.  Just be cautious. :)

Steer the conversation away from babies

• I think there is a happy medium on this.  I realize that if you are pregnant or raising little ones this is a large part of your life and avoiding it completely can be more awkward.  But, try to ask them questions about themselves or steer the conversation to other parts of life, i.e. hobbies, politics, shopping, marriage, etc.  Sometimes it's easy to feel alienated in a room full of moms talking about babies and pregnancy and it reinforces the perception that "everyone but me is pregnant."
• Discussing family planning (i.e. how long to wait before having kids, how many kids to have, how far apart to have them, desired number of kids), no matter how well-intended, can come across as selfish to those of us who will take anything we can get!

Don't complain

• If you are pregnant, don't act like pregnancy is the worst nine months of your life.  Sorry if this is a little blunt, but those facing infertility don't really want to hear you complain about being nauseated because you're pregnant.  All they are thinking is, "at least you're pregnant."

Validate their feelings

• If someone does open up to you about their infertility sometimes it's nice to hear someone say, "I can't imagine how difficult that must be" instead of, "Oh, don't worry, you'll have kids soon enough."
• One woman said, "I think one of the hardest things for me was when I was brave enough to let a sister in Relief Society know my struggles, and she hardly regarded it as a heavy trial I am dealing with. That has shut me down completely from letting my ward members know what we are going through, and has only made the problem worse because now I feel more disconnected from my Relief Society than I did before. I know it is not easy for other women to understand, especially if they have never dealt with infertility. But love is always the answer. Maybe all I really wanted was for her to put her arm around me and act like she cared. I am comfortable talking about it when someone asks in a respectful way. In fact, it often helps to talk about infertility and have a friend to sympathize with."
• It's also not a good idea to say things like, "It's good that you don't have kids yet since your husband is still in school," or "you're so young, there's plenty of time to have kids."  
• It IS a good idea to relate personal experiences.  It has always made me feel better when a friend says, "It took us six months to get pregnant and even THAT was difficult."

Do invite/involve

• Many women said that they appreciate the opportunity to "borrow" their niece or nephew for the night and being invited to their friends' kids' birthday parties and other events.

Do become educated!

• Do a little reading.  Infertility is pretty common, affecting approximately 10% of couples of reproductive age.  Knowing the basics of infertility and treatments can help you relate to those facing this trial.  This is a great website if you're up for a little light reading.  :)  You may even learn the meaning of some of the acronyms like IUI, IVF, ICSI, PCOS, FSH, etc.

I don't know about you, but I know I have probably done some of the "don'ts" on this list!  I think it's just a good reminder to never make assumptions because we never know what someone is facing behind closed doors.

I'm really looking forward to the next stream of posts where we'll have guest posts from other women sharing the ways in which they have found to cope with infertility.  These are some of the most incredible women I have ever met and I have no doubt they will be able to share insight for any trial you are facing.