Monday, March 31, 2014

FET #9: The 2nd Miscarriage


Each post was written on the date listed, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: FET #1: Medications and a Miracle; FET #2: Baseline, Meeting the Fenlons and SHOTS!FET #3: Lining Check and Progesterone ShotsFET #4: Transfer Day!FET #5: Bed Rest and the 2WWFET #6: Results!FET #7: Life During and After Miscarriage; FET #8: The Ectopic

Saturday, March 29, 2014
I know I said that FET #8 would be my last post about our treatment.  I thought the story was done.  Then I had a second miscarriage.  We weren't sure how much the ectopic pregnancy had progressed and there was a possibility that my body would just absorb it.  Two weeks after receiving the methotrexate injections, we thought we were in the clear!  Then I started to miscarry.  This time was much, much worse than the 1st miscarriage.  The bleeding and the pain were worse than I possibly could have imagined.  It was horrific.  I was taking prescription pain killers and they were doing almost nothing for the pain.  Finally after 4 days things are starting to get back to normal.  My body is been through a lot in the last few months!

This process has been especially difficult because it has dragged on for so long.  It has been emotionally and physically exhausting.  We found out that we were pregnant on January 24.  We started worrying about a possible miscarriage on January 27, but we were told everything was ok.  Until, February 5 when we found out that we would most likely miscarry.  We miscarried on February 14.  Then on March 4 we started worrying about my HCG levels going back up.  On March 10, the ectopic pregnancy was confirmed.  We received the methotrexate injections on March 11 and miscarried the ectopic pregnancy on March 25-28.  It's been a rough two months to say the least.

We have experienced several losses and it has been hard to pick our selves up and keep going... again and again and again.  There have been many times when I've wanted to throw my arms up and yell at God and say, "Really?  Really?!!  REALLY?!!!  You cannot be serious!"  But time and time again I feel his embrace and the calm reassurance that everything is going to be ok.  This is part of His plan for us.  I may not understand it right now, but He'll be here lifting me up each day.  I love the sweet little reminders He sends just to let me know that He has not forsaken me.

The day we found out that we would miscarry, this song came on the radio.  The Lord knows how much I love music and there have been many times when He'll send me a little comforting message through a song and I'll feel inexplicable warmth as if He's just reminding me that He is still here.

You'll Be Okay
You'll be okay
You'll be okay
The sun will rise 
To better days
And change will come
It's on it's way
Just close your eyes 
And let it rain

'Cause you're never alone 
And I will always be there
You just carry on 
You will understand

You'll be okay
You'll be okay
Just look inside
You know the way
Let it go
Fly away
And say goodbye 
To yesterday

'Cause you're never alone 
And I will always be there
You just carry on
You will understand

I will be strong
When love is gone
And, I'll carry on

You'll be okay
You'll be okay
The sun will rise 
To better days

You'll be okay
You'll be okay
Just close your eyes
And let it rain

When you need it the most
And all you've got is a prayer
You must carry on
You will understand
You will understand
You will understand

You'll be okay
You'll be okay
You'll be okay

I love the reassurance at the end that I will understand and that I'll be okay.  I also love how it says, "Just close your eyes and let it rain".  That is exactly how I've felt through this process.  Sometimes all I can do is admit that I have no control over the situation and just cry while the hits keep coming and coming.    Strangely enough, that is when I've felt the most peace--when I let go of the things I can't control and just trust that the Lord has a plan.  Someday I'll understand and I know I'll be okay.

Monday, March 31, 2014
Today I had my final HCG blood draw (it's finally down to a non-pregnancy level).  As the phlebotomist was drawing my blood she asked, "Are you trying to get pregnant?"  I wanted to say, "Lady, you have NO idea."  Instead I said, "Well... we just lost twins..." as my heart made it's way up into my throat.  It felt like someone was standing on my chest.  That was the first time I had said it out loud.  It sounded worse than I imagined.  Twins.  Our babies.  The rest of the day followed that lead and that pain I felt in my heart just wouldn't leave.  I'm so grateful for a few dear friends who let me vent via text/email today.  

When Matt got in the car after school/work he asked me how my day had been and I told him.  Terrible.  I cried.  I told him that I'm scared.  I'm scared we'll never have children.  I told him that I don't know how I could ever face that reality.  When we got home he held me while I cried and reminded me that we don't have to face that reality.  He reminded me that we've both been promised that blessing someday.  Then he told me to pray--I love him.  So I prayed and sobbed.  I pleaded for answers--something--anything!  Then I felt the Lord whisper something that I want to tell every woman in the entire world whether you've faced infertility or not.  He said, "Stephanie.  Your worth is not dependent upon your ability to have children."  It wasn't until that moment that I realized I even felt that way, but I have felt that way!  I watch everyone around me having children and fulfilling their divine role as mothers and think that because I'm not fulfilling that role, I must be worthless.  I'm not!  I have worth because I'm a daughter of my Father in Heaven.  You have infinite worth too!  JUST because you are a child of our Father in Heaven.

Then I checked my email and one of my sweet friends who knew I was having a really tough day, sent me a gift card for a local spa.  I've said it before and I'll say it again--we have the best support system and know some of the best people.  I couldn't believe how thoughtful and kind that was.  Just another reminder that the Lord can work through us to bless the lives of others when they need it most.  What a sweet blessing and reminder of the Lord's love for me!

A few weeks ago a lady in church was giving a talk and shared the serenity prayer that they use in Alcoholics Anonymous.  I feel it is so applicable to every part of our lives and especially to infertility.  I cannot change our infertility.  I cannot change the miscarriage or the ectopic pregnancy.  I cannot change our childlessness.  But, if I ask, the Lord will bless me with the courage to remain hopeful, courage to share our story, courage to help other couples with infertility, courage to remain positive, courage to surrender my will to His, courage to keep trying, courage to find happiness in my life just the way it is, and courage to trust in His plan for us.

6 comments:

Victoria Holt said...

Thank you.

Bryan and Sarah said...

Great post! "Your worth is not dependent upon your ability to have children." Exactly. Each person on earth is priceless to our Heavenly Father.

Emily said...

You don't know me, so hopefully it's ok to comment. :) Our mutual friend is Karla--we probably just missed each other back in Provo.

Anyways, I've read and lurked for awhile, but I need to say thank you for your blog. Our situations are not necessarily similar, but our recent experiences have been. Reading your thoughts and experiences helps me understand my own pain, and for that I've been grateful. I've had two miscarriages in the last seven months. My most recent would have been an October baby as well. Like you, I'm still processing all of the emotions. Your thoughts are helping me move forward.

Thanks again. You're amazing.

Bryce & Cherise said...

Love you honey! I'm so so so sorry. I know nothing I say can take that pain away. This sucks and it's hard and you can grieve and write about it to your hearts content. Feel what you feel and do what you need to do.
I'm so happy that your hubby knows exactly what you need when it gets too hard- to pray. What a good man. :)
You're doing great. Don't forget that. You're handling it amazingly well.
I'm sorry you had to say the words out loud that you hadn't said before. Those are such difficult moments.
Love you!

ShelbySpear said...

So many prayers headed your way. I am so moved by your bravery, it must have been so difficult to write this all out.

2 Kings 20:5 I have heard thy prayers, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will a heal thee.

Sometimes it helped to know that my tears weren't in vain and that God was aware of my broken heart.

Captivating Eyes said...

I may have posted a comment before, but I've read through so many of your posts, I don't remember. I just wanted to tell you something that a very dear friend of mine told me when we had found out what our fertility issue was. I feel like I'm supposed to share this with you. Maybe Heavenly Father knows you need to hear these words.

You have now joined the ranks of some of the most amazing women in the history of the world like Sarah, Hannah and Elizabeth.

I didn't fully understand the significance of that sentence until I really started to pray about it and read through scriptures. I hope it brings you a little bit of peace. And if that doesn't, maybe Elder Holland's talk last October will. http://youtu.be/oq4-7rK3dUM

Girl, you are incredible and you are such an amazing example of courage and faith! If Heavenly Father said you'll be parents, you will. Don't ever forget that YOU are an incredible DAUGHTER OF GOD.