Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014: The Year of Miracles

2014 has been the most difficult and most joyous year of my life.  Seems impossible right?  Perhaps that's the greatest miracle of all.

We started 2014 with our second IVF cycle, or frozen embryo transfer, and hoped to have a sweet little baby in October.  We were ecstatic over the news that we were finally expecting--it was a miracle!  Then we were devastated and heartbroken when we lost our sweet baby.  Our heartbreak was only amplified as we discovered that there was another baby, but that we would lose the second baby as well.  I felt my world crashing in on me as we experienced that second miscarriage.  I wondered how I would wake up the next day let alone ever function normally again.  It was a miracle that I woke up the next day.  It was a miracle that I found a way to keep living.  It was a miracle that, in time, I found a way to hope again.  Even now I feel overwhelmed with gratitude as I look back on that time.  I know the Lord was there every step of the way.  He is the reason I was able to feel peace and find hope again.

I still remember, very vividly, during those darkest days praying and imagining myself laying this burden at the feet of the Savior.  I remember saying, "I just can't do this anymore.  It's too much.  I'm leaving my life and my will in your hands."  For the first time I didn't pray for a baby, but for His will to encompass mine.  I let go.  I handed it over.  For the first time in our infertility journey I found peace.  I still wanted a baby, yes, but I stopped freaking out.  I stopped stressing.  I stopped making the fulfillment of MY will my purpose for living.  

Over the next few months we thought and prayed about trying IVF again.  We originally planned on doing another cycle in June, but as the time approached I didn't feel it was what the Lord wanted us to do yet.  Each time I prayed about it I felt as if the Lord said, "Be still and wait."  So we waited.  I talked to Matt about how I was feeling and he felt the same way.  We told our doctor that we wanted to wait a while longer and would let them know when we were ready again.  Because of the answer we received to wait I stopped taking birth control (which I would be taking in preparation for another cycle).  Five weeks after stopping the birth control we found out we were expecting!

I'd be willing to bet that most of you thought of our sweet miracle baby as you read the title to this post. She is a miracle--no doubt about that.  We could not be more grateful.  But I can't overstate the fact that the peace and hope I was able to find in the Lord was no less of a miracle.  He healed us emotionally and spiritually before He "healed" us physically and we were able to conceive.

I hope I'll always remember the incredible lessons I've learned through this process.  I hope I'll always remember to trust in the Lord's will for my life, rather than my own.  I hope that when life gets difficult I'll remember to turn it over to Him because His plan is far better than mine.  

I have a feeling that 2015 will be the best year yet.


Caitie said...

this just makes me so so happy :) :) :) what a year! can't wait to read about and see pics of your baby girl!