Saturday, September 28, 2013

IVF #7: The Results are IN!


I wrote all of these posts on the dates listed before each entry, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: "IVF #1: The Beginning", "IVF #2: Starting Meds", "IVF #3: Baseline Ultrasound and Stims", "IVF #4: Follicle Monitoring", "IVF #5: Retrieval and Recovery", "IVF #6: Transfer, Bed Rest and the Wait".

Wednesday, August 7
Today I woke up and drove down to my 10:30 am doctor's appointment.  It was just a quick blood draw.  I was so nervous, but didn't want to admit it.  The nurse who drew my blood was so sweet.  She said our embryologist had been asking all day when I was coming in because he was excited to hear about the results.  I wanted so much to have perfect faith so after the blood test I went to Target to buy a onesie that I would use to surprise Matt once we received the good news.  I was planning to head down to Provo to spend the day with my sister-in-law Stephie-Lynne, but once I received the positive results I would drive up to Salt Lake to Matt's office to surprise him.

When I got to Stephie-Lynne's house I went to use the restroom and noticed some spotting.  I was heartbroken.  Surely this meant our cycle had not been successful.  Around 3:00 pm, when I still hadn't heard, I called the nurse at our doctor's office to see if I was pregnant and if I should be worried about the spotting, but the results weren't back yet.  I was a wreck, but I was trying not to be.  Finally around 4:45 pm I got a call from Tonya.  She asked how I was feeling and I said I'd been having some spotting so I was pretty sure that the test was negative.  She said, "Well, spotting is pretty normal during this time so I wouldn't count that as a definite negative..." I know what you're thinking because I was thinking it too, until she went on to say "but, your test was negative.  I'm so, so sorry."  She said that it could be because my body was just under so much stress with the OHSS, or it could just be "bad luck".  Even if everything goes according to plan, it's still not a 100% chance of pregnancy.  She talked about how a lot of people respond better to frozen embryo transfers after their body has had time to recover from all the hormones and procedures.  We talked for a minute about what happens next and I hung up.

I was a mess.  Thankfully Stephie-Lynne was there to cry with me, but I had to rush out the door to drive back up to Salt Lake and pick up Matt from the Trax station.  I called him on the way and really tried not to cry because I needed to see to be able to drive.  I was living a nightmare.  Where do we even go from here?  Too many people know that we did a cycle this month and I can't handle the questions.  I don't want to talk about it with anyone but Matt.  We came home and Matt held me for a long time while we cried.  This has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest, day of my life.  I felt so much hope and wanted more than anything for this to work.  We felt so inspired to do our treatments when we did, in fact I KNOW we were supposed to do IVF last month, so why didn't it work?  I'm sure I'll come to see why one day.  I know that the Lord always has a plan for us that is better than our own.  I only hope that I'll be able to invest my heart in another cycle without becoming cynical.

Current Note: I mentioned to Matt the other night that I feel terrible that there are so many people who are assuming I am pregnant with all my IVF posts.  So many people who deeply care for us are getting their hopes up.  Now I have to go and disappoint them all with this news.  I just wish I had good news to share with all of you.  But at the same time, this is real life.  I wanted everyone to experience just a little bit of the hope, excitement, worry, stress, and disappointment that can come with infertility treatments.  

Almost two years ago I felt deeply inspired to share a little about our infertility here on our blog.  I hoped that maybe it would help someone else, but I never dreamed how much it would help us.  Because I followed that prompting we were found and sponsored by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood which enabled us to raise the money we needed for IVF, we have made so many wonderful friends who also struggle with infertility, and so many people have reached out to us to tell us how much our story has touched their life.  So many moms have told me that reading about our journey with infertility has made them hold their children a little tighter.  Seeing the good that has come from our trial with infertility has healed my heart in a way I never thought possible.  Surely that was the Lord's plan all along.  There are a few more posts coming that discuss life after a failed IVF and the things I learned through this process.  Just know there is always hope and we are moving forward in faith.

16 comments:

Bryan and Sarah said...

I'm so glad you shared this. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. Your infertility has helped me to appreciate Jessie more, so that's one good thing.

Linnea said...

Stephanie, I think one of the hardest challenges we face in life is knowing for a fact we were supposed to do something (like you said, you knew you were supposed to do a cycle last month) but having it not lead to what we thought was supposed to be the next step. There are so many things we can't understand, but your beautiful faith and love shine so brightly through all of these posts. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for being so willing to share your journey with everyone.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry Steph! My prayers and love continue to go out to you guys!

Emily and Kenny said...

Stephanie... You are such an inspiration and example of having faith and hope through difficult times. My heart breaks for you and Matt. But if there's one thing I know is that Heavenly Father is very aware of both of you and what you're going through... And he won't leave your side on this journey. You are incredible people. Sending so much love your way.

Emily and Kenny said...
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Rach said...

As always, I have nothing but love and prayers for you. You are such an example to me and such a wonderful woman of God. I love you both and pray for you daily. We are so lucky to know you and to be friends with you.

Danny and Karen said...

Stephanie, you don't know me but my husband and I found your blog through our friends Ryan and Katie George. I've been reading your blog for the last year and a half and have loved listening to you be so open about your infertility. I'm so so so sorry about your failed cycle and know exactly how you feel. My husband and I went through the same thing over a year ago (I have pcos, he has severe male factor infertility). Our insurance didn't cover anything either so it was all out of pocket. And I also got OHSS very badly with no baby and no frozen embryos left over :(. My heart breaks for you and I hope you can find peace through the support of loved ones and the Spirit. Even though you weren't blessed with the miracle of a baby, maybe you will see another miracle in having the strength to get through this hard time. I don't know you, but I love you and will be praying for you.

Kandace said...

I want to repeat what I said earlier. You are amazing for sharing your journey with all of us! I have learned so much from your posts about the struggle, hope, and handling trails with faith. You are inspiring. And I continue to hope for nothing but the best for you two.

Allison said...

my heart is breaking for you :( we don't know each other, but i have been reading your blog for a few months. i am so sorry you had to go through this...there are not many things in this life more difficult to bear than infertility. i wish you the best going forward!

Liz Johnson said...

I love you guys. I'm just still so sorry. I'm sure there's a greater pattern in all of this, and that God has amazing plans for you both, but still - I just hate that you experienced so much pain and frustration. Gah. I'm sorry. And your openness and vulnerability is incredibly inspiring.

The Clingo Family said...

Stephanie,

I just re-read all your posts to my husband. And I literally cried my eyes out (James was crying too), it took me so long to read them all because I had to pause to compose myself multiple times to be able to finish reading.

My heart feels like it is breaking for you. I've been thinking about you all day. I am so so sorry things didn't go as we all had hoped. And that you went through so so much only to not get the results desired.

You are truly amazing. I am honestly at awe over your faith, trust, and positive attitude. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could have your faith and strength. I admire you. You are such an example for others.

I know you have so many wonderful family members and other friends, but I'm always here for you too if you ever need someone to listen :)

Praying for your comfort and sending a big hug your way :)

Love,
Jessie Clingo

Caspers, but not the Ghost said...

i am not sure what to write here.. why you? why me? why aren't your trials mine, or mine yours? we don't have the answers.. lucky for us, we don't need them all. faith that the Lord knows us. that He loves us. that He has a plan. life beats us down..and i think that one of the main reasons we're on this earth is to overcome that. to rise above it, somehow... you are such a light and example of this. i don't know how you do it. how you share all this deeply personal, hard, hard things. but, i am better for your sharing. really, i am. somehow.. your light in absolute dark times.. gives me courage to also find the light. so, thank you. and.. dang it. i am sorry. i want babies for you so much! you and matt. prayers for you both. you two are amazing.

Allison said...

I'm so sorry this round of IVF didn't work for you guys. I can't imagine what you guys have been through, but I'm so impressed with the way you have stayed so positive and hopeful through it all! I haven't had to face infertility for myself, but I've had a few friends who have been going through similar trials, and I'm so grateful for the blog and FB posts you have shared into your struggles that had given be a glimpse into what it may be like.
I so hope that you two will be blessed with a baby soon. You surely deserve it, and I know you will be the best of mamas.

Julie Lisonbee said...

My Dear Friend,
I am so very sorry. I was really hoping this would work. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We just love you guys!

laura d said...

What heart break! I've lost two of my pregnancies now and the thing that I've learned is simply to trust in the Lords timing. It doesn't fix the hurt but it eases the mind. I hope you are feeling stronger and are looking ahead to a happier day when the pieces fall together. Hugs!

Lizzie Justice said...

Stephanie,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. My husband and I are also dealing with infertility, and it has really helped us to hear your story. I wish so badly that it had a different outcome for you guys. I am truly sorry. Thank you again for being so willing to share such an intimate part of your life.