IVF #7: The Results are IN!

I wrote all of these posts on the dates listed before each entry, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: "IVF #1: The Beginning", "IVF #2: Starting Meds", "IVF #3: Baseline Ultrasound and Stims", "IVF #4: Follicle Monitoring", "IVF #5: Retrieval and Recovery", "IVF #6: Transfer, Bed Rest and the Wait".

Wednesday, August 7

Today I woke up and drove down to my 10:30 am doctor's appointment.  It was just a quick blood draw.  I was so nervous, but didn't want to admit it.  The nurse who drew my blood was so sweet.  She said our embryologist had been asking all day when I was coming in because he was excited to hear about the results.  I wanted so much to have perfect faith so after the blood test I went to Target to buy a onesie that I would use to surprise Matt once we received the good news.  I was planning to head down to Provo to spend the day with my sister-in-law Stephie-Lynne, but once I received the positive results I would drive up to Salt Lake to Matt's office to surprise him.

When I got to Stephie-Lynne's house I went to use the restroom and noticed some spotting.  I was heartbroken.  Surely this meant our cycle had not been successful.  Around 3:00 pm, when I still hadn't heard, I called the nurse at our doctor's office to see if I was pregnant and if I should be worried about the spotting, but the results weren't back yet.  I was a wreck, but I was trying not to be.  Finally around 4:45 pm I got a call from Tonya.  She asked how I was feeling and I said I'd been having some spotting so I was pretty sure that the test was negative.  She said, "Well, spotting is pretty normal during this time so I wouldn't count that as a definite negative..." I know what you're thinking because I was thinking it too, until she went on to say "but, your test was negative.  I'm so, so sorry."  She said that it could be because my body was just under so much stress with the OHSS, or it could just be "bad luck".  Even if everything goes according to plan, it's still not a 100% chance of pregnancy.  She talked about how a lot of people respond better to frozen embryo transfers after their body has had time to recover from all the hormones and procedures.  We talked for a minute about what happens next and I hung up.

I was a mess.  Thankfully Stephie-Lynne was there to cry with me, but I had to rush out the door to drive back up to Salt Lake and pick up Matt from the Trax station.  I called him on the way and really tried not to cry because I needed to see to be able to drive.  I was living a nightmare.  Where do we even go from here?  Too many people know that we did a cycle this month and I can't handle the questions.  I don't want to talk about it with anyone but Matt.  We came home and Matt held me for a long time while we cried.  This has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest, day of my life.  I felt so much hope and wanted more than anything for this to work.  We felt so inspired to do our treatments when we did, in fact I KNOW we were supposed to do IVF last month, so why didn't it work?  I'm sure I'll come to see why one day.  I know that the Lord always has a plan for us that is better than our own.  I only hope that I'll be able to invest my heart in another cycle without becoming cynical.

Current Note: I mentioned to Matt the other night that I feel terrible that there are so many people who are assuming I am pregnant with all my IVF posts.  So many people who deeply care for us are getting their hopes up.  Now I have to go and disappoint them all with this news.  I just wish I had good news to share with all of you.  But at the same time, this is real life.  I wanted everyone to experience just a little bit of the hope, excitement, worry, stress, and disappointment that can come with infertility treatments.  

Almost two years ago I felt deeply inspired to share a little about our infertility here on our blog.  I hoped that maybe it would help someone else, but I never dreamed how much it would help us.  Because I followed that prompting we were found and sponsored by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood which enabled us to raise the money we needed for IVF, we have made so many wonderful friends who also struggle with infertility, and so many people have reached out to us to tell us how much our story has touched their life.  So many moms have told me that reading about our journey with infertility has made them hold their children a little tighter.  Seeing the good that has come from our trial with infertility has healed my heart in a way I never thought possible.  Surely that was the Lord's plan all along.  There are a few more posts coming that discuss life after a failed IVF and the things I learned through this process.  Just know there is always hope and we are moving forward in faith.