Tuesday, November 5, 2013

One of THOSE Days

I was having one of those days this morning.  The mornings where I start thinking about things.  Like how it's almost been 5 years since we started "trying" to have a baby.  Or how people who got pregnant around the time we started trying now have 4-year-old kids and usually 1 or 2 more!  Or I think about how painful it was to learn about so-and-so's pregnancy and then remember that that announcement was made over two years ago...and we still aren't pregnant.  Or how I'm almost 25 years old and I thought I'd be pregnant by 21 for sure.  (I know you're all thinking I'm still young, but this isn't about age--it's about having your life plans drastically altered and trying to cope with that.)  Or I wonder if IVF will work next time... and what if it doesn't?  What then.  Will we adopt?  We've always thought adoption would be in our future, but how soon, we don't know.  All these "what ifs" were getting to me.  All that fear and despair had started to settle in quite nicely right about the time I dropped Matt off at the school.  Then I turned on the radio and immediately heard these words:

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"
"Haven't Met You Yet"--by Michael Buble

No joke.  And then that warm feeling swept over me.  That feeling when you just know with all of your heart that you have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching out for you.  That feeling that you have a Heavenly Father who cares about even your smallest worries or insecurities or the fact that you are having a hard day.  I don't know how or when, but things WILL work themselves out.  Hard days will come, but the only thing I can do is move forward in faith.


Liz Johnson said...

I'm so sorry. It definitely WILL work out, and you'll look back on it and see all the really hard things that set you up for something truly amazing. But in the meantime, it can be so hard to wait and not know when things are going to get better. I'm so sorry! I wish I could do more to help. But you guys are in our prayers and we love you. :)

Kristin Call said...

Oh YES YES YES. Michael for the win! Isn't it wonderful when Heavenly Father sends such a clear message your way? Songs have been so pivotal for me through infertility. I had never thought about this one in regards to a baby. It is PERFECT!

Laura said...

I never thought i'd be 25 and single... We all go through things that makes us stronger, its just hard at times to rise up through the fog thats getting us down. You're awesome Steph and things WILL all work out. His plan; not ours!

Katie George said...

Love Michael Buble! Never thought about those words before. So perfect! Next time you have one of "those" days, give me a call. :)

Lizzie Justice said...

Thanks for posting! I know I needed this as much as you did! I have so many of the same feelings. You are in my prayers!

Linnea said...

Thanks for posting, Stephanie. It's always amazing to me when I have little things like that happen that prove to me that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and will help do little things to bring me comfort and let me know that He knows about my concerns.

Will keep you guys in my prayers.

Captivating Eyes said...

Such a beautiful post and I love the pictures! I can't imagine five years down the road still trying. It's been a little over a year for us and my heart breaks a little every time I hear another baby announcement. But I know I'm supposed to be a mother. My Patriarchal Blessing tells me that. I have faith in Heavenly Father that he knows the end from the beginning. Thank you for that reminder. We'll keep you guys in our prayers!!

Pond said...

Thank you for being so open and taking us on your journey. The more people that open up about this, I hope, the more understanding will come from others. People around me can be so insensitive. They just don't know, so I can't be too mad at them. Your blog shows men and women out there all we must go through when it comes to fertility treatments, which hopefully gives them some kind of idea how hard it is emotionally. I found your blog when I searched for Mormons dealing with infertility. It seems like everyone has babies but me sometimes in our culture. So I'm grateful when more people like you speak out. I didn't find my husband until I was 29, and we started trying when I was 30. I'm 32 now and I feel ancient. All the girls in my ward have 3 or 4 kids and they're younger than me. So I empathize with your story. Luckily you do have a lot of time, whereas my time is ticking, but it's still hard no matter what stage you're in. It's still so emotionally painful. But I applaud your positivity and your openness. I hope more people will speak out about this. With your positivity and bravery, I have no doubt the Lord has some huge blessings in store for you.