2014: The Year of Miracles

2014 has been the most difficult and most joyous year of my life.  Seems impossible right?  Perhaps that's the greatest miracle of all.

We started 2014 with our second IVF cycle, or frozen embryo transfer, and hoped to have a sweet little baby in October.  We were ecstatic over the news that we were finally expecting--it was a miracle!  Then we were devastated and heartbroken when we lost our sweet baby.  Our heartbreak was only amplified as we discovered that there was another baby, but that we would lose the second baby as well.  I felt my world crashing in on me as we experienced that second miscarriage.  I wondered how I would wake up the next day let alone ever function normally again.  It was a miracle that I woke up the next day.  It was a miracle that I found a way to keep living.  It was a miracle that, in time, I found a way to hope again.  Even now I feel overwhelmed with gratitude as I look back on that time.  I know the Lord was there every step of the way.  He is the reason I was able to feel peace and find hope again.

I still remember, very vividly, during those darkest days praying and imagining myself laying this burden at the feet of the Savior.  I remember saying, "I just can't do this anymore.  It's too much.  I'm leaving my life and my will in your hands."  For the first time I didn't pray for a baby, but for His will to encompass mine.  I let go.  I handed it over.  For the first time in our infertility journey I found peace.  I still wanted a baby, yes, but I stopped freaking out.  I stopped stressing.  I stopped making the fulfillment of MY will my purpose for living.  

Over the next few months we thought and prayed about trying IVF again.  We originally planned on doing another cycle in June, but as the time approached I didn't feel it was what the Lord wanted us to do yet.  Each time I prayed about it I felt as if the Lord said, "Be still and wait."  So we waited.  I talked to Matt about how I was feeling and he felt the same way.  We told our doctor that we wanted to wait a while longer and would let them know when we were ready again.  Because of the answer we received to wait I stopped taking birth control (which I would be taking in preparation for another cycle).  Five weeks after stopping the birth control we found out we were expecting!

I'd be willing to bet that most of you thought of our sweet miracle baby as you read the title to this post. She is a miracle--no doubt about that.  We could not be more grateful.  But I can't overstate the fact that the peace and hope I was able to find in the Lord was no less of a miracle.  He healed us emotionally and spiritually before He "healed" us physically and we were able to conceive.

I hope I'll always remember the incredible lessons I've learned through this process.  I hope I'll always remember to trust in the Lord's will for my life, rather than my own.  I hope that when life gets difficult I'll remember to turn it over to Him because His plan is far better than mine.  

I have a feeling that 2015 will be the best year yet.

It's Official...

I'm married to an attorney!  No, we didn't tie the knot today--that was 6.5 years ago, but he did get sworn in as an attorney today!  I'm so proud of him for all of his hard work.  It's been a long road, but well worth it.

One of THOSE Days

I was having one of those days this morning.  The mornings where I start thinking about things.  Like how it's almost been 5 years since we started "trying" to have a baby.  Or how people who got pregnant around the time we started trying now have 4-year-old kids and usually 1 or 2 more!  Or I think about how painful it was to learn about so-and-so's pregnancy and then remember that that announcement was made over two years ago...and we still aren't pregnant.  Or how I'm almost 25 years old and I thought I'd be pregnant by 21 for sure.  (I know you're all thinking I'm still young, but this isn't about age--it's about having your life plans drastically altered and trying to cope with that.)  Or I wonder if IVF will work next time... and what if it doesn't?  What then.  Will we adopt?  We've always thought adoption would be in our future, but how soon, we don't know.  All these "what ifs" were getting to me.  All that fear and despair had started to settle in quite nicely right about the time I dropped Matt off at the school.  Then I turned on the radio and immediately heard these words:

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"
"Haven't Met You Yet"--by Michael Buble

No joke.  And then that warm feeling swept over me.  That feeling when you just know with all of your heart that you have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching out for you.  That feeling that you have a Heavenly Father who cares about even your smallest worries or insecurities or the fact that you are having a hard day.  I don't know how or when, but things WILL work themselves out.  Hard days will come, but the only thing I can do is move forward in faith.

5th Anniversary!!

May 2, 2013

Wow, I can't believe it's been 5 years!  Best 5 years of my life.  On our wedding day I never thought I could love him more, but everyday I love him more.  I feel so blessed to be married to such a fun, handsome, loving, kind, patient, sweet, cuddly, hard-working husband.  He is going to be the best dad in the world.  I love that guy.

 Our actual anniversary always falls right before finals, so we just went to lunch together to celebrate on the day of.  It was perfect out and we enjoyed eating outside.

After finals, we were able to have a great evening celebration.  We used a gift card to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and it was so fun to go to a fancy restaurant.  I could get used to that. ;)

I loved that they had this in our menus and the way they spelled our last name--priceless.

 

MMM... crab cakes.

Us at dinner.

Happy 5th Anniversary to us!  I'll keep him around for at least another 5. ;)

After dinner we came home and moved our air mattress into the family room to have a movie night.  This was one of the best nights ever.  We had the door open so there was a cool fresh breeze and we got to cuddle, eat treats, and watch our favorite TV shows all night.

 We usually have a "no gifts" policy because we are saving everything for baby Purcell, but Matt surprised me with a little accessory. ;)  How sweet is this?

I'm so blessed.

He Has a Plan

On October 1 Matt came to my office and poked his head in.  He waved me out into the hall, so I hesitantly followed him out there.  I couldn't read his face and it looked like something might be wrong, so I got kind of nervous thinking he might have bad news.  

When I got out into the hall he said, "I just got a call from Snow, Christensen and Martineau... they offered me a position as an intern next summer!!"  Insert happy tears from me and lots of hugs.  The legal market is not very good right now.  It's hard to find internships... but we received an offer from the firm at the top of our list.  It was a good reminder to me that the Lord is watching out for us and has a plan for our little family.  

If things aren't working out for you right now it doesn't mean the Lord doesn't love you, it just means He's preparing you for a miracle and you won't recognize it unless it comes after a little bit of struggle.

Summer Lovin'

Ok, so I've been kind of a slacker on this blog the last couple of months.  Matt and I have been having the summer of our lives.  It has seriously been amazing.  Just the two of us, in Indiana, working 8-5, eating lunch together everyday, and hanging out together every night.  It has been a party!  :)  I'm so glad I married my best friend because he makes life so fun.

We also had Matt's parents visit and my parents visit within a month and a half.  It was a blast and there will be more posts with pictures about all our adventures with them.

I've also been working on a couple photo shoots which take a decent amount of time outside of work.

So, between partying it up with my best friend, hosting visitors, photo shoots, and work, I haven't really had a lot of time to blog about all the fun we have been having!  Rest assured these posts are coming!  Sadly, Matt starts an intensive trial class that goes from this Saturday through the next from 8 am-6:30 pm everyday (including both Saturdays and Sunday)!!!  No easing into the next semester for us!  Needless to say, I'll have a lot more time to blog while he is busy studying... man I'm going to miss having him around though!

I'm so grateful for the BEST summer of our lives so far and for my BEST friend who I was able to share it with.  :)

We may or may not have watched every episode of Lost (again), too much Olympics, every Shark Tank episode (again with Matt's parents), and every episode of the best TV show ever made...

I'm so lucky that Matt loved this show too because he wasn't too sure about it when I first mentioned that we should watch it together... but he may have liked it even more than I did which is saying a lot!

I hope you're all having a wonderful summer too! :)

THIS is a Row Boat

I'm sure most of you have heard this allegory in one form or another, but I feel it's particularly applicable to the good news I'm about to share.

 

There was a man whose farm was located on the banks of a flood-swollen river.  As the water rose, a neighbor drove up in a Jeep, urging him to leave before the farm was flooded.
 

"Oh, no," said the man confidently, "God will save me."
 

The water rose higher, and the man was forced to move into the second story of the farmhouse.  A police boat soon came, and the officers called for the man to hurry and get into their boat.
  

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary," the man insisted. "God will save me."
  

Finally the house was completely engulfed in water, and a Coast Guard helicopter swooped into rescue the man, now perched on the roof.  Again he refused.  Just then, a huge wave of water swept over the house and the man drowned.
  

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, "I put all my faith in You.  Why didn't You come and save me?"
  

And God said, "Son, I sent you a car.  I sent you a row boat.  I sent you a helicopter.  What more were you looking for?"

When you can't have children it's easy to feel like maybe God doesn't want you to have children.  We know that He is all-powerful, so why doesn't He just step in and "make it happen"?  Every month we have felt the loss and discouragement of still not achieving our greatest desire to become parents.  Then, this past weekend I heard this allegory again and it struck a cord deep in my heart.  God CAN perform miracles, and He IS all-powerful, but most of the time He works through His own natural laws and through other people.  It's not likely that Matt and I will ever achieve pregnancy on our own, but He has provided many options for us to become parents!

We have prayed time and time again that we would be able to achieve pregnancy the "natural" way, but if not, that he would bless us financially to be able to do whatever necessary to become parents. 

So, I'm ecstatic to announce (to those of you who haven't heard ;)) that Pound the Pavement for Parenthood (website, facebook, twitter) has chosen to sponsor Matt and I.  This means they will be sponsoring a 5k race in our name to help us raise funds to start our family.  If you live in Indiana, come walk/run/jog/eat a sandwich while you happen to be walking a 5k with us!  It's for a great cause and when you see our adorable little one you can think, "Hey!  I helped them get there!" :)  We'll definitely try to have ways for everyone to get involved--even if you can't come walk/run for us!  I've already had several people send messages wanting to know how they can help even though they live far away.  We feel so overwhelmed and humbled by the support we've received already.  It is an expensive journey no matter which route you choose and we feel so incredibly grateful for this amazing opportunity.

When we received the email on Sunday that we had been selected as one of the three sponsor couples and read through the contract, I turned to Matt with tears in my eyes and said, "THIS is a row boat."  The Lord works in mysterious ways my friends.

Things to Remember

 

My sweet, sweet Grandma passed away last week.  We will miss her so much, but we are so glad she is with her sweetheart now, my grandpa.  There have been so many fun memories running through my mind that I never want to forget so I want to document some of them here.

• Sometimes when my parents would go out and leave me home alone I would call my grandparents if I got scared.  They would always gladly come pick me up.  We would have ice cream and they would let me sleep over.
• Grandma used to stack pots, pans, and various boxes in front of the front door when we slept over.  We always teased her about this.  :)  She just wanted to be able to hear if someone came in so she could protect us.
• Even our dog (black lab named Dude--ya we are THAT cool) knew how awesome it was to go to grandma and grandpa's house.  He would literally swim across the river, run through the valley, and cross the highway (scary!) just to get to their house and grandpa would give him a treat.
• Grandpa loved all animals.  I remember he used to whistle to the birds and they would whistle back.
• Every time I slept over I would bring a stuffed lamb that Grandpa loved.  He would always rub it against his whiskers and then tell me how soft it was and then rub it against my cheek to show me.
• Grandma used to let me sit next to her on the piano bench while she played and I would sing.
• When my mom was working on getting her EMT license I had lots of babysitters, but grandma was always my favorite.  I would always ask if Grandma could babysit me and cry if she couldn't.  (This could be partly because the other lady made me eat spinach and mush for lunch...)  Grandma would always do puzzles with me and let me help her cook.
• Every time I slept over Grandma and Grandpa would let me have ice cream before bed and then read me stories and lay in bed with me in the "pink room" until I fell asleep.
• They always encouraged me to develop my talents and came to lots of piano recitals.
• Grandma would ALWAYS want to feed you a meal if you stopped by.  She was the best at taking care of those she loved. 
• Every time I got sick, even if it was just a cold, Grandma and Grandpa would come visit and bring me juice.
• Grandma introduced me to peanut butter and pickle sandwiches... yum!
• I loved going to Dairy Queen with them for ice cream.  Grandpa and I would always get mint dilly bars.  It was our favorite.
• When Matt and I lived with Grandma she was starting to lose her mind a little bit.  She really wanted to put daffodils on my mom's birthday cake.  We tried to convince her that the cake didn't really need flowers.  The next morning there were daffodils in the kitchen (she couldn't drive).  When we asked her where she got the flowers she told us she waited until it was dark and then stole them from the neighbors yard.  We laughed and laughed about this with her.  It was hilarious that she knew it was wrong enough to wait until dark, but did it anyway. :)  Love her laugh.

I'm so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families.  It's so nice to know that she and Grandpa and my brother Paul are all there together with many other friends and family members.

4th Anniversary Celebration

Our anniversary celebration was amazing.  Matt was done with finals so we had a nice, stress-free weekend all to ourselves.  Matt surprised me on Friday, May 11 by taking me to Buffalo Wild Wings (may not sound romantic, but it's my favorite so it was).  We went to the Meijer to get some treats for the night, and to the mall to pick out something new.  Then we went to our favorite little movie theater where we saw The Avengers while eating buttery popcorn, sprite, and candy.  On Saturday we got some groceries and did some cooking together--one of our favorite things.  We relaxed, watched movies, went for a walk, and took naps.  It was the perfect weekend. 

Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of the actual celebrations and it's kind of tradition to have a picture of us on our anniversary, so we took one on Sunday instead.

Here's Matt being a good sport while I set it up.  :)  LOVE him.

And here's us on (or near ;)) our 4th Anniversary.

 

SO glad I married this man 4 years ago!

Scenes from Our Life

Shortly after we arrived in South Bend last summer, Matt and I took a walk on campus and I snapped a few shots.  I stumbled upon them the other day and thought I would share them with all of you.  I'm constantly in awe of this beautiful place where we work and study each day.  The architecture and landscaping is breath taking.  We feel so blessed.

4 YEARS down, forever to go!

I can't believe it has been 4 years since I married the love of my life.  It may sound cliche, but I really do love him more everyday.  Here are a few things I'm particularly loving right now:

1. Matt works SO hard.  He studies so much and yet still finds time to spend with me.  I'm so proud of him.

2. When Matt doesn't stay up late studying, we get to go to bed at the same time.  I love the cuddle/pillow talk time we share.  Best part of my day.

3. Watching the "tennis balls" (more on this later ;)) and bunny rabbits.

4. Eating good food with Matt is the best because when he likes something he REALLY likes it and shows it.  This also makes cooking a blast because he LOVES the results.

5. Eating lunch together everyday--it's a perfect way to break up the day.

I can't wait to celebrate our anniversary in a week or two when things slow down.  It's going to be an all out party because he'll also be done with his first year of law school!  (One down, two to go)!  Until then, here's a little timeline of our anniversaries together. :)

0 Years

1 Year (I ALMOST didn't post this--yuck ;))

2 Years

3 Years

4 Years--coming soon!!

It's the Small Things

I eat lunch with Matt everyday at the Law School.  It is the best.  The other day as I was walking away to go back to work I turned around and he was still watching me with a huge smile on his face.  My heart skipped a beat.  I love this man...

...especially when he mimics the sound the geese in our pond might make if he happened to throw an orange at them.

The LUUUUV Month

Favorite love quote from Matt, "We should set our alarm to go off every hour during the night on Friday and have a mandatory 10 minute cuddling session."  He loves me.  :)

For Valentine's day this year I couldn't decide what to get for Matt (he's hard to shop for!!).  I eventually decided to send him on a little scavenger hunt with clues and little presents along the way.  I didn't make the clues too difficult since they were supposed to lead him to his Valentine and she didn't want to be hiding in the shower for hours. :)

Matt bought me all my favorite junk food, even the stuff that I never buy because it's too expensive!!  (i.e. the stuff from other countries).  Then he took me out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturday, I had been begging him to take me there since we moved here and it did NOT disappoint.  It's seriously my new favorite restaurant.  That Honey BBQ Sauce on those boneless wings is to die for!  I put down 9 wings and could have eaten 5 more...  I'm already begging to go back.  :)

Life has been crazy busy and sometimes stressful with Matt back in school and me working full-time!  Sometimes it seems like I go to work, come home, make dinner, clean, make lunches, work out, get ready for bed, sleep, repeat.  But, Matt helps me keep my sanity.  We love our home and feel that it really is a haven from the rest of the world.  We always find time to laugh at the men on the radio in the morning who think they are really funny.  Or to eat lunch together at the school everyday.  Or to watch Gilmore Girls and cuddle.  Or to pick baby names (this is one of Matt's favorites).  Or to make yummy smoothies.  Or to have pillow-talk.  Or to cook together.  Or to play Yahtzee (yes we are in our twenties going on eighties).  We are the perfect team.  I make our lunches; he drops me off close to work so I don't have to walk. :)  He still takes my breath away.

The Simple Things

It's Clinique gift time! :)  Look how cute my new makeup bag is, not to mention the amazing eyeshadow pallet that came with it!  So fun.

Sometimes life is about finding joy in the simple things.  Like, driving with the windows down and feeling that crisp Fall air on your face.  Or, simple evenings like these...

 One of my favorite talks during General Conference was Elder Uchtdorf's talk in the General Relief Society meeting when he referenced the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: 
 "Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket.

So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about. For some, the golden ticket may be a perfect marriage; for others, a magazine-cover home or perhaps freedom from stress or worry.

There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.”⁴ The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear."

I LOVED that talk and ever since I've been taking time each day to just enjoy being outside, whether it's my brisk morning walk to work, or driving with the windows down.  It's a beautiful time of year and instead of hoping, waiting, and wishing for some future blessing or event I'm taking time to enjoy my life just the way it is in this moment.  I challenge you to do the same.  Life is good.  Embrace it.

So Blessed...

We got a letter in the mail today. Matt had a half tuition Scholarship for last semester and the current one. Well today they sent us a scholarship correction letter stating that he actually earned a full scholarship for this semester so we will get a check for the difference. This is especially cool because Matt is planning on taking summer semester and they don't give scholarships or anything for summer semesters. Matt just called me while I was writing this and told me that my work sent a letter in the mail saying that I would be getting a bonus on my next paycheck! We feel so blessed. It's amazing to recognize the hand of the Lord in each of our lives :)

Today I'm Thankful For:

Hair! I think it's something that we would all (except for a few guys with well shaped noggins) would look a little funny without! I guess if we didn't have it and never had it maybe we would just be used to it - but none-the-less I'm very grateful for hair!

Today I'm Thankful For:

I'm so grateful for clothing! What a wonderful thing!... As much as I hate deciding what to wear in the morning... it's nice to have to decide and not have the decision made for you due to lack of clothing. What a blessing. Not to mention the world would be a different place with out it... Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are nearly naked or naked in a public place and you feel totally and completely humiliated? See, aren't you glad we have clothes to wear???

Today I'm Thankful For:

I'm so grateful to live in this beautiful world and also to have eyes to see everything around me. How blessed we are! Sometimes If I just stop my busy life for a few moments I catch glimpses like these...

The Tetons

Mesa Falls

Today I'm Thankful For...

Today I am grateful for running water. What a blessing it is to be able to turn on hot or cold water and use it for showers, cooking, brushing our teeth, drinking, watering our yards ect and know that it is clean. I love taking hot baths and showers and I’m so glad that I don’t have to draw a bath in order to do so :)

Today I'm Thankful For:

Today I haven't been feeling too well, but this sure makes me feel grateful for my generally good health. The other thing that affects this observance is my friends Jason and Stephanie Reynold's blog (you can find their link on the right hand side). Not only is their strength and positive outlook such an inspiration but it reminds me constantly to be grateful for my good health. I love these two :)