2014: The Year of Miracles

2014 has been the most difficult and most joyous year of my life.  Seems impossible right?  Perhaps that's the greatest miracle of all.

We started 2014 with our second IVF cycle, or frozen embryo transfer, and hoped to have a sweet little baby in October.  We were ecstatic over the news that we were finally expecting--it was a miracle!  Then we were devastated and heartbroken when we lost our sweet baby.  Our heartbreak was only amplified as we discovered that there was another baby, but that we would lose the second baby as well.  I felt my world crashing in on me as we experienced that second miscarriage.  I wondered how I would wake up the next day let alone ever function normally again.  It was a miracle that I woke up the next day.  It was a miracle that I found a way to keep living.  It was a miracle that, in time, I found a way to hope again.  Even now I feel overwhelmed with gratitude as I look back on that time.  I know the Lord was there every step of the way.  He is the reason I was able to feel peace and find hope again.

I still remember, very vividly, during those darkest days praying and imagining myself laying this burden at the feet of the Savior.  I remember saying, "I just can't do this anymore.  It's too much.  I'm leaving my life and my will in your hands."  For the first time I didn't pray for a baby, but for His will to encompass mine.  I let go.  I handed it over.  For the first time in our infertility journey I found peace.  I still wanted a baby, yes, but I stopped freaking out.  I stopped stressing.  I stopped making the fulfillment of MY will my purpose for living.  

Over the next few months we thought and prayed about trying IVF again.  We originally planned on doing another cycle in June, but as the time approached I didn't feel it was what the Lord wanted us to do yet.  Each time I prayed about it I felt as if the Lord said, "Be still and wait."  So we waited.  I talked to Matt about how I was feeling and he felt the same way.  We told our doctor that we wanted to wait a while longer and would let them know when we were ready again.  Because of the answer we received to wait I stopped taking birth control (which I would be taking in preparation for another cycle).  Five weeks after stopping the birth control we found out we were expecting!

I'd be willing to bet that most of you thought of our sweet miracle baby as you read the title to this post. She is a miracle--no doubt about that.  We could not be more grateful.  But I can't overstate the fact that the peace and hope I was able to find in the Lord was no less of a miracle.  He healed us emotionally and spiritually before He "healed" us physically and we were able to conceive.

I hope I'll always remember the incredible lessons I've learned through this process.  I hope I'll always remember to trust in the Lord's will for my life, rather than my own.  I hope that when life gets difficult I'll remember to turn it over to Him because His plan is far better than mine.  

I have a feeling that 2015 will be the best year yet.

FET #9: The 2nd Miscarriage

Each post was written on the date listed, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: FET #1: Medications and a Miracle; FET #2: Baseline, Meeting the Fenlons and SHOTS!; FET #3: Lining Check and Progesterone Shots; FET #4: Transfer Day!; FET #5: Bed Rest and the 2WW; FET #6: Results!; FET #7: Life During and After Miscarriage; FET #8: The Ectopic

Saturday, March 29, 2014
I know I said that FET #8 would be my last post about our treatment.  I thought the story was done.  Then I had a second miscarriage.  We weren't sure how much the ectopic pregnancy had progressed and there was a possibility that my body would just absorb it.  Two weeks after receiving the methotrexate injections, we thought we were in the clear!  Then I started to miscarry.  This time was much, much worse than the 1st miscarriage.  The bleeding and the pain were worse than I possibly could have imagined.  It was horrific.  I was taking prescription pain killers and they were doing almost nothing for the pain.  Finally after 4 days things are starting to get back to normal.  My body is been through a lot in the last few months!

This process has been especially difficult because it has dragged on for so long.  It has been emotionally and physically exhausting.  We found out that we were pregnant on January 24.  We started worrying about a possible miscarriage on January 27, but we were told everything was ok.  Until, February 5 when we found out that we would most likely miscarry.  We miscarried on February 14.  Then on March 4 we started worrying about my HCG levels going back up.  On March 10, the ectopic pregnancy was confirmed.  We received the methotrexate injections on March 11 and miscarried the ectopic pregnancy on March 25-28.  It's been a rough two months to say the least.

We have experienced several losses and it has been hard to pick our selves up and keep going... again and again and again.  There have been many times when I've wanted to throw my arms up and yell at God and say, "Really?  Really?!!  REALLY?!!!  You cannot be serious!"  But time and time again I feel his embrace and the calm reassurance that everything is going to be ok.  This is part of His plan for us.  I may not understand it right now, but He'll be here lifting me up each day.  I love the sweet little reminders He sends just to let me know that He has not forsaken me.

The day we found out that we would miscarry, this song came on the radio.  The Lord knows how much I love music and there have been many times when He'll send me a little comforting message through a song and I'll feel inexplicable warmth as if He's just reminding me that He is still here.

You'll Be Okay

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

The sun will rise 

To better days

And change will come

It's on it's way

Just close your eyes 

And let it rain

'Cause you're never alone 

And I will always be there

You just carry on 

You will understand

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

Just look inside

You know the way

Let it go

Fly away

And say goodbye 

To yesterday

'Cause you're never alone 

And I will always be there

You just carry on

You will understand

I will be strong

When love is gone

And, I'll carry on

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

The sun will rise 

To better days

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

Just close your eyes

And let it rain

When you need it the most

And all you've got is a prayer

You must carry on

You will understand

You will understand

You will understand

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

I love the reassurance at the end that I will understand and that I'll be okay.  I also love how it says, "Just close your eyes and let it rain".  That is exactly how I've felt through this process.  Sometimes all I can do is admit that I have no control over the situation and just cry while the hits keep coming and coming.    Strangely enough, that is when I've felt the most peace--when I let go of the things I can't control and just trust that the Lord has a plan.  Someday I'll understand and I know I'll be okay.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Today I had my final HCG blood draw (it's finally down to a non-pregnancy level).  As the phlebotomist was drawing my blood she asked, "Are you trying to get pregnant?"  I wanted to say, "Lady, you have NO idea."  Instead I said, "Well... we just lost twins..." as my heart made it's way up into my throat.  It felt like someone was standing on my chest.  That was the first time I had said it out loud.  It sounded worse than I imagined.  Twins.  Our babies.  The rest of the day followed that lead and that pain I felt in my heart just wouldn't leave.  I'm so grateful for a few dear friends who let me vent via text/email today.  

When Matt got in the car after school/work he asked me how my day had been and I told him.  Terrible.  I cried.  I told him that I'm scared.  I'm scared we'll never have children.  I told him that I don't know how I could ever face that reality.  When we got home he held me while I cried and reminded me that we don't have to face that reality.  He reminded me that we've both been promised that blessing someday.  Then he told me to pray--I love him.  So I prayed and sobbed.  I pleaded for answers--something--anything!  Then I felt the Lord whisper something that I want to tell every woman in the entire world whether you've faced infertility or not.  He said, "Stephanie.  Your worth is not dependent upon your ability to have children."  It wasn't until that moment that I realized I even felt that way, but I have felt that way!  I watch everyone around me having children and fulfilling their divine role as mothers and think that because I'm not fulfilling that role, I must be worthless.  I'm not!  I have worth because I'm a daughter of my Father in Heaven.  You have infinite worth too!  JUST because you are a child of our Father in Heaven.

Then I checked my email and one of my sweet friends who knew I was having a really tough day, sent me a gift card for a local spa.  I've said it before and I'll say it again--we have the best support system and know some of the best people.  I couldn't believe how thoughtful and kind that was.  Just another reminder that the Lord can work through us to bless the lives of others when they need it most.  What a sweet blessing and reminder of the Lord's love for me!

A few weeks ago a lady in church was giving a talk and shared the serenity prayer that they use in Alcoholics Anonymous.  I feel it is so applicable to every part of our lives and especially to infertility.  I cannot change our infertility.  I cannot change the miscarriage or the ectopic pregnancy.  I cannot change our childlessness.  But, if I ask, the Lord will bless me with the courage to remain hopeful, courage to share our story, courage to help other couples with infertility, courage to remain positive, courage to surrender my will to His, courage to keep trying, courage to find happiness in my life just the way it is, and courage to trust in His plan for us.

FET #8: The Ectopic

Each post was written on the date listed, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: FET #1: Medications and a Miracle; FET #2: Baseline, Meeting the Fenlons and SHOTS!; FET #3: Lining Check and Progesterone Shots; FET #4: Transfer Day!; FET #5: Bed Rest and the 2WW; FET #6: Results!; FET #7: Life During and After Miscarriage

Monday, March 3, 2014
10 days ago my HCG levels stopped dropping and plateaued.  Today when I had them tested they had started rising again.  They aren't sure yet what the cause of this could be.  It could be left over tissue from the miscarriage, it could be an ectopic pregnancy, and I guess there is a REALLY small chance we could be pregnant again.  So, we wait another week to have my blood drawn again and figure out why my body is so darn confused.  I can't say I'm not worried.  If I stop and think about what could be happening and the possible future repercussions, I start hyperventilating.  I'm terrified.  Terms like Dialation and Curettage, and Methotrexate are being thrown around.  One could affect our ability to get pregnant again the future, and the other would prevent us from doing any more treatments for a while.  It's so hard to sit here having no idea what is going to happen after my next blood test.  It's like another two-week-wait.  Oh, and the nurse warned that if I feel abdominal pain on either side, dizziness, nausea or lightheadedness that I need to go to the emergency room immediately.

I can't say I'm doing it very well, but every time I start obsessing over outcomes I'm trying to pray and imagine myself handing this burden over to the Lord in a big, heavy box.  I have no control over this situation.  None.  That makes me feel very vulnerable and scared.  But, I'm finding that as I admit that I can't control the outcome of the situation and turn it over to the Lord my burden is made lighter.  This is a process.  Sometimes I have to pray and surrender my will over to the Lord every five minutes.  I know Heavenly Father is watching over me and He is the only one who has control over this situation.  This is all going to be ok somehow.

Friday, March 7, 2014
I've been having a rough few days just worrying about this situation and stressing over possible outcomes.  Yesterday I just started sobbing uncontrollably at work.  I'm sure that my hormones are partly to blame because my body is very confused right now.  My hormones have been telling my body, "now you're pregnant, now you're not, opps--now your pregnant again!"  Thankfully my boss is very kind and understanding and just told me to take some time off to recuperate.  But, not before he attempted to cheer me up with a pretzel smiley face on my desk.

There are so many incredible people in this world and we are blessed to know some of the very best.  Right now I'm seeing the world through tear-filled eyes and there is something incredible about that.  It just seems to put things in perspective.  I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find little things to be grateful for.  Sometimes I wake up and take a hot bath and just marvel at the fact that we can turn on the faucet and hot, clean water comes out!  Finding little things to be grateful for helps me remember just how blessed we are.  I'm holding Matt a little tighter and appreciating his constant love and kindness towards me.  I'm recognizing how many incredible, loving, and supportive people there are in my life.  I look at every person I meet and wonder what heartache they have faced that no one else knows about.  I'm remembering what really matters and learning to rely more fully on the Lord for every second of every day.

I'm reminded today of a quote I shared a couple posts ago while we were waiting for the results of this treatment.  I feel it is particularly applicable to our current situation. "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." (source)  I know that the Lord is trying to make us into the people he wants us to be and that these trials we are struggling through right now will help us learn and grow if we can seize that opportunity.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Today I received a phone call from Tonya, a nurse at Dr. Foulk's office.  On a Saturday.  If that wasn't concerning enough, she said that Dr. Foulk wants me to make sure to get my blood drawn first thing Monday morning and he wants to have a phone appointment with us on Monday evening.  Usually the nurse just calls with the results, so I was a little worried.  Clearly Dr. Foulk is concerned as well.

A package came in the mail today from the Pound the Pavement for Parenthood ladies.  Talk about perfect timing.  I needed this more than ever today. We cried as we opened the package and saw each of the items in the box many with a personalized note.  These ladies are angels.  I can't help but be grateful for infertility when it has blessed me with each of them as my friends.  Especially when I think that if it weren't for this trial I probably never would have met any of them.  This box brought so much hope and served as a reminder that I'm not walking this path alone.  Nor am I the first one to walk this path.  Like I said yesterday, there are so many incredible people in this world and we are blessed to know some of the very best.

How sweet is this?  Now you can see why this made us cry.

These were very personal gifts from women who have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss themselves.  Many of the items were given because they were something that brought peace and hope to them during the lowest points in their journey.

I'm planning to find a necklace chain for this charm so I can wear it close to my heart.  One of my closest friends wore this during her infertility battle and to the hospital when her little miracle was born.  I sobbed while I read the note that she sent with it.  Isn't it such a beautiful symbol of hope?

Monday, March 10, 2014
And, then there were two.  My OBGYN and Dr. Foulk have been watching my HCG levels each week to make sure they are dropping normally.  Last week they started going up again.  I'd be lying if a part of me didn't wonder if/wish that by some crazy miracle we were pregnant again...  We aren't.  We had the level tested again today and it is still rising, but not normally.  When I saw the results online I sent a text to Tonya (the nurse) like she had requested and she immediately responded saying that Dr. Foulk needed to talk to us as soon as possible.  We moved up our phone appointment by a few hours and I left work early.  Our phone call with Dr. Foulk really calmed my nerves as we talked about next steps and options.  He has been a huge blessing in our lives.  I can always tell that he really cares and he always puts me at ease.  No doubt, he is heaven sent.  It seems our miscarriage has also been joined by an ectopic pregnancy.  We think that one of the embryos implanted in my uterus, while the other implanted in one of my fallopian tubes.  After the phone call, Dr. Foulk called my OBGYN here to talk to him about the situation and to get me in for an emergency ultrasound.  I have an ultrasound scheduled tomorrow morning and then they'll give me some injections to stop the pregnancy cells from multiplying before my tube ruptures.  I also had to go in to have some more blood drawn tonight before my appointment tomorrow.

I have been through so many emotions today.  I was just sick when I saw the number on the screen.  Like physically sick.  I felt like I might pass out.  Then frustration set in.  Haven't we been through enough?  This isn't fair.  Then confusion.  What does the Lord want from us?!  What are we supposed to do now?  I cried.  And then cried some more.  Then Matt gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing.  After the blessing I just had this overwhelming feeling that this is happening for a reason.  I am going to use this experience to help other people.  My determination to help other couples with this struggle increases exponentially with every stumbling block we hit.  One of my favorite quotes has always been, "Lord give me courage... that I might turn each stumbling block into a stepping stone."  As much as I've wanted to just give up and lie down, I can't.  I will never let this trial keep me down.  I don't know what is going to happen or how this is going to work out.  Most of the time that just makes me terrified, but I'm finding a few moments of peace as I continually try to surrender my will to Heavenly Father and trust completely in His plan for us.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014
This morning I woke and armed myself with this necklace before we left for our doctors appointment.

We stopped to pick up the Methotrexate at the pharmacy on the way.  I held it together pretty well until we were walking into the office.  Is this really happening?  I checked in at the front desk while I choked back tears and the emotion welling in my throat.  Then I turned around and saw a big poster with a picture of a new baby that said, "You'll have enough to take care of soon, let us take care of you."  No.  No I won't.  I despise the OBGYN waiting room.  Especially today.

Finally, they called us back and the ultrasound tech asked how I'm doing.  Um.  Terrible.  Thanks for asking.  She took us back and told me to undress from the waist down.  I mumbled to Matt that I might freak out if someone tells me to undress from the waist down again.  The tech was very sweet and I could tell she felt bad about our situation.  She performed the ultrasound and then took us to another room to meet with the doctor.  He came in and talked to us for a while.  He and Dr. Foulk had discussed the treatment plan at length and both agreed that this was necessary.  After my HCG had risen the last time, they were both concerned but wanted to wait another week to rule out an arbitrary rise or a spontaneous pregnancy.  If it were the former the number would have dropped again by the second test.  If it were the later, the number would have doubled 2-3 times in that week.  It didn't even double once in 7 days.  I asked again and again if they were confident that this was not a healthy pregnancy.  He said they were.  He gave instructions for future blood draws and then sent the nurse in to administer the injection.

As soon as he left I started freaking out.  Matt could tell, so when the nurse came in he asked her if she could give us a minute.  I was terrified that my mind wasn't at ease about whether this pregnancy was viable.  Maybe we should wait a couple days and do one more test before ruling it out.  Deep down I know this pregnancy isn't viable, but maybe I need the peace of mind of one more check before they give me the injection.  It's hard enough to end this pregnancy knowing that there is no possible way the baby could survive and prolonging the process would only put my life or ability to have children in the future at serious risk--let alone if there is ANY doubt in my mind as to whether this pregnancy is viable.  Matt agreed that we should at least talk to the doctor once more about it.  He went out and asked if the doctor could come back in.

When our doctor came back in I was a mess.  We asked him if waiting was a possibility and how sure he was that the pregnancy is not viable.  He explained that he is 100% positive that this is not a viable pregnancy.  He explained that both he and Dr. Foulk agreed on this treatment plan.  In fact, Dr. Foulk didn't want to let me wait until today.  If we were in Utah he would have given me the injections yesterday.  The risk with waiting is that the situation could become dangerous quickly and then I'd no longer be a candidate for the Methotrexate and they would have to perform surgery which could effect my ability to carry a baby in the future.  He assured us that both he and Dr. Foulk are VERY conservative with this kind of thing which is why they waited a whole week after the first rise to confirm that this was not a spontaneous pregnancy.  He was very kind and reassuring and I'm glad we talked to him again because I had so much more peace of mind after talking to him the second time.  I have no doubt that the Lord prompted us to talk to the doctor again if only so that our minds would be at ease about the situation.  This embryo could not survive growing outside my uterus and if we waited we would only be putting my life at risk.

The nurse came back in and Matt held me while she gave me an injection in each hip.  I sobbed.  Once I was getting injections in my hips to sustain a pregnancy and now these injections would end it.  I'm not even sure how to deal with these emotions right now.  I felt like I was getting stronger.  Doing better.  And now this.  We're experiencing that loss all over again.  For now all I can do is hope that peace will come with time.  I want to say that everything is going to be ok, but right now all I can say is that I hope everything will be ok.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Today I received this beautiful flower bouquet from my sister-in-law--who is also one of my best friends--with a heartfelt note that made me laugh too.  I'm feeling so blessed to have so much love and support around me.  How did I get so lucky to be surrounded by so many incredible people?

Yesterday after writing that post I started reading a post on one of my favorite blogs.  Ashlee writes about the murder of her husband and shares incredibly uplifting insight on overcoming trials.  I feel like I can relate so much with her.  I was reading her most recent post called, "I dream" and I felt like the Lord was trying to speak to me through her writing.  Especially as I read the last paragraph of that post, "There will be days when it feels like all of your dreams are lost.  You may be standing at your darkest hour right now... waiting for hope that even your smallest dream can still exist.  I promise you that better days await.  Don't give up on yourself... and don't give up on the light that is still all around you.  Even if every dream that you have ever dreamed seems to have been shattered before your eyes... you still have a reason to live.  You are enough... all on your own.  Jesus Christ has felt your pain, he has heard your cries.  He knows where it hurts... because he has been right where you are.  Don't give up on him He is right there... pray for the light that can help you see his hand through the darkness.  And when you find it... grab on and never let it go.  He will carry you to the dreams he has prepared for you.  They may be different than the ones that you had planned... but they will be perfect... because his plan is greater than any we can create for ourselves.  He is the healer of our pain and the writer of our script; live the dreams he has orchestrated just for you."  I love when I can see the Lord's hand blessing my life through people around me.  That post was definitely an answer to prayer and a reminder that the Lord has not forsaken me.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Today I opened my email and saw an email from Enfamil baby formula.  I guess I signed up for their emails at my OBGYN office during my first appointment.  The bold heading read, "How exciting--you're going to be a new mom!"  I think one of the most difficult parts of pregnancy loss is the constant reminders of what was, what could have been, and what you wish were true.  I wish with all of my heart that I was going to be a new mom in October.

If I'm being honest, I didn't feel right about this pregnancy from the beginning.  I'm not sure if it was intuition or paranoia.  When I first became pregnant Matt gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing where the Lord told me to be happy and grateful for this pregnancy.  After we found out that we would miscarry and especially after we found out that the ectopic pregnancy would keep us from trying again any time soon, I wondered why the Lord had told me to be happy and grateful for this pregnancy.  My confusion regarding this instruction from the Lord only increased when I thought about all the heartache it has caused.

I feel that in the last couple days the Lord has revealed to me the many reasons I have to be grateful for this pregnancy.  I got to be a mom for a couple weeks.  I get choked up just writing that.  For a couple weeks I ordered baby items, talked about baby names, and planned with great anticipation for the arrival of our sweet baby(ies).  We got to experience the overwhelming joy and anticipation of pregnancy.  My relationship with and trust in the Lord has become stronger than I ever thought possible.  My relationship with and love for Matt has been strengthened ten-fold.  It has revealed to me many things in my own life that I need to improve.  It has blessed me with an almost unbearable measure of empathy for women who have had miscarriages or ectopic pregnancies.  Whenever I hear of other women who have faced a similar trial my heart aches for them and I shed tears for the trauma, pain, heartbreak, and sorrow they have experienced.  My desire to help other couples facing infertility is stronger than ever.  The Lord has lit a fire under me in that regard.  I'm excited to be joining the board for Pound the Pavement for Parenthood.  I feel that helping other couples with this disease will help me find healing and peace.

Some may look at our story and think it's a tragedy.  I assure you it's not.  Every great triumphant story includes some events that may, at first glance, seem tragic.  However, it is those tragic events that make the triumphant ending so sweet.  One day we'll become parents and that moment will be made sweeter with each heartbreak we face to get there.

"And to all who suffer--to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely--I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

"Never surrender.

"Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

"Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart." -- Elder Uchtdorf

FET #7: Life During and After Miscarriage

Each entry was written on the date listed, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: FET #1: Medications and a Miracle; FET #2: Baseline, Meeting the Fenlons and SHOTS!; FET #3: Lining Check and Progesterone Shots; FET #4: Transfer Day!; FET #5: Bed Rest and the 2WW; FET #6: Results!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

The last few days have been the most difficult days of my entire life.  Everywhere I turn there are reminders of what might have been.  I finally put all the medications away.  I can say with enthusiasm that I would gladly get a shot in my rear end every single day for the rest of my life if it meant we could be pregnant right now.  I moved all the baby items back to the spare room and hid them away so I don't have to see them anymore.  I just can't handle the constant reminders.  Before the miscarriage was confirmed I had been on bed rest for a week and a half to try and stop the bleeding.  Matt would wait on me hand and foot.  Every once in a while he would reach for my hand and say, "How are my babes?" meaning me and the baby(ies).  I miss that.  I missed church today.  I'm actually feeling ok physically, but I'm just not ready to be around people yet.  I'm planning to go back to work tomorrow to get my mind off things if nothing else.  I think it will help me to get back into a routine.

Today I was reading this talk by Elder Bednar.  In the talk he talks about how not shrinking is more important than survival and how important it is to "partake of the bitter cup" without becoming bitter.  Then he shares this beautiful quote by Elder Orson F. Whitney, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is thru that sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education we came here to acquire."

Monday, February 10, 2014

We are so blessed.  We have been surrounded by so many incredible people who are so supportive and loving.  Over the last few days we've received an edible arrangement from my co-workers and these beautiful flower arrangements from friends and family.  Our neighbors and good friends have also brought dinners and cookies, etc--most of them don't even know that we miscarried they just heard that I haven't been feeling well.  I've received loving text messages and phone calls and kind Facebook messages from people who do or don't know know what's going on.  I'm learning that when someone is going through a trial, it doesn't matter what we do, we just need to do something.

Today I was reading this talk by Elder Scott about the power of faith during times of trial.  In it he says, "Even if you exercise your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires.  Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you.  He loves you to a depth and completeness you cannot conceive of in your mortal state.  Indeed, were you to know His entire plan, you would never ask for that which is contrary to it even though your feelings tempt you to do so.  Sincere faith gives understanding and strength to accept the will of our Heavenly Father when it differs from our own.  We can accept His will with peace and assurance, confident that His infinite wisdom surpasses our own ability to comprehend fully His plan as it unfolds a piece at a time."

As hard as things are, I am starting to feel moments of peace about the situation and I know those moments of peace are coming from the Lord.  I can feel strength from Him and a desire to be molded by Him.  I have felt an overwhelming reassurance that this is happening for a reason.  I know that there are things that we need to learn through this refiners fire.  I also feel, as I have felt many times throughout this trial, the need to share our experiences and the things that we have learned.  I have gone back and forth as to whether we would post about our experiences this time--especially since the miscarriage.  It just feels so personal and raw.  It's so close to my heart and I'm afraid to let it out.  My hesitancy, however, is far outweighed by the revelation I continually receive to share these experiences and the things that we've learned with others.  I have received so much strength throughout this trial by learning from other women who have walked in my shoes.  I hope that by sharing our experience I can strengthen someone else and make them feel that they are not alone.  I know now that one of the main reasons we have had to face this trial is so that we can help others.  We know that the Lord will provide us with many wonderful opportunities to help others through this trial.

 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Today we would have been 7 weeks along and we would have had our first ultrasound.  It was a rough day for me.  I couldn't stop thinking about how different the day would be if we were still pregnant.  We would have been over-the-moon excited to see our baby/babies for the first time today.  Instead it's just a regular day.  I went to work and Matt went to school.  It didn't help that I was talking to a lady on the phone at work and mentioned that I had been out of the office for a little while.  She said, "Did you have a baby?!"  I said "no..." but I wanted to say, "I WISH!!"  Then she said, "Well, that's probably good because then you wouldn't sleep for a year--or ever again."  I wanted to say that I would give anything to be expecting a baby who would steal my sleep sleep for a few years.  I just have to remind myself that she has no way of knowing our situation or what we've been through.

When I look around, it's easy to think that having a baby is so easy for everyone else.  Most people decide they want to have a baby and they do.  We have to have a million tests performed, fly across the country, spend thousands of dollars, get shots everyday for months, and we still aren't expecting a baby.  But I know deep down, that we just have different trials.  Your trial may not be infertility or pregnancy loss, but I'm sure you have faced, are facing, or will face other trials that rock you to your very core.  Our trials are designed for us individually.  Often they relate to our deepest desires.  I know that I have been given this trial because I'm not a very patient person, because I like to plan things out perfectly, and because my desire to become a mother is my single greatest hope in this life.  This is the trial that would bring me to my knees and help me to learn how to be more like the Savior.

After such a difficult day, it warmed my heart to come home to these beautiful, blooming tulips from Pound the Pavement for Parenthood.  I immediately felt overcome with my Savior's love for me.  Spring will come.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Note: this entry gets a little graphic, but I feel the descriptions are necessary to convey the trauma that women experience during a miscarriage.

Yesterday afternoon I started having really bad cramping.  It got progressively worse until about 5:30 pm when I finally took some pain meds.  I also started bleeding pretty heavily and it became apparent that I was finally having the miscarriage.  Happy Valentine's Day to us.  You know what though?  It was a good reminder about what love is really about.  Matt spent the night holding me while I cried, getting food for me, rubbing my feet, and just being with me.  That's love.  Sure, it's nice to go out to dinner, give gifts, and buy flowers to show our love, but true love is not founded on those things.  It's founded during difficult moments like this when you rely on each other completely and you take care of each other.

The miscarriage itself was traumatic.  I can't think of a better word to describe it.  I was in excruciating pain for hours.  Suddenly, I felt a gush at which point the gestational sac and placenta passed all at once.  Now I know what the nurses were talking about when they said I would "pass tissue."  What they really meant was that I would "give birth" to my far too immature baby.  I just can't stop thinking about it.  That would have been our baby.  We've waited five long years just to get pregnant and now this.  Time just seemed to stop in that moment and it was all over.  My heart breaks for women who have been through this before or who have been through this multiple times.

I'm having a really hard time right now.  I just keep crying.  And crying.  And crying.  I know I have to snap out of this at some point, but right now I just want to be sad.

Monday February 17, 2014

Today I had a miscarriage follow-up appointment with my OBGYN.  I'm not sure if there is a worse method of torture for a woman who has just had a miscarriage than to sit in a waiting room full of expectant mothers.  This appointment had been scheduled for last Thursday when we would have been coming in for our first ultrasound.  I moved it to today because I knew it would just be too hard to come in on the day we would have been having a 7-week ultrasound to instead confirm the miscarriage.  Thank goodness I moved the appointment because it was hard enough today.

I held it together pretty well in the waiting room and thankfully they called me back pretty quickly.  The nurse ran through a few details with me.  She instructed me to undress from the waist down and cover up with a paper sheet while she left to get the doctor.  I thought to myself, "I can't even remember how many times I've been through this drill."  Before she left she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm so, so sorry for your loss" and left to get the doctor.  Then I lost it.  I sat there on the exam table with tears rolling down my cheeks.  When she came back in to take my blood pressure I just looked down.  I tried so hard to hide those tears, but they kept flowing and one landed on the blood pressure cuff.  She told me it was alright to cry and got me some tissues before she left me alone to wait for the doctor.  The doctor was very kind.  We talked about what had happened.  Then he performed an exam and informed me that my cervix is closed which means the miscarriage is complete.

I'm trying to learn, again, what it means to have complete trust in the Lord even, and perhaps especially, when my prayers aren't answered in the way I want them to be.  I prayed with all my heart that the Lord would make this pregnancy ok and He didn't.  I love, and find great strength in, the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in Daniel 3:17-18.  They believe that the Lord has all power to deliver them, but then go on to say "but if not" they will still be faithful to Him and trust in His will for them.

Dennis E. Simmons, of the quorum of the seventy, says about this story, "They knew and they trusted God--even if things didn't turn out the way they hoped.  They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than acknowledgment that God lives.  Faith is total trust in him.

"Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does.  Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not.  Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him." (source).

How comforting it is to know that we are in His hands.  He lived and died for our eternal happiness.  He has a plan for us that is both different, and better than anything we could ever imagine.  Whenever despair starts to seep in, I'm working on letting the Lord carry that burden.  I'm working on turning my will over to Him and trusting completely in His plan for my life.  I know I'll be a mom someday and I'm trying to leave the rest up to Him.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

A few days ago I ordered a necklace to memorialize our miscarriage.  It has a little charm with baby feet and the birthstone for October because our due date was October 2.  I wasn't sure if it was a good idea at the time.  Maybe it would just make me sad.  Well, it came today and I love it.  When I showed it to Matt, he said, "but, doesn't it just make you sad?"  It doesn't make me sad at all.  In fact, it brings me a lot of peace.  I love it so much that I decided I want to wear it every day.  I knew this would be more reasonable if I took the charm and stone from the necklace and added them to my "one day closer" bracelet since I already wear that every day.  Here is the finished product.

In a lot of ways it can feel like the miscarriage never happened.  I mean, what do we have to show for it except a couple broken hearts?  Well, now I wear this sweet little reminder on my wrist everyday.  It has brought me a lot of peace.  It's almost as though memorializing the miscarriage has allowed me to feel I can move forward with hope in the future.

I feel that this experience has brought me low.  Lower than I've ever been.  As much as I hate that, it has given me an opportunity to rebuild my faith and hope from the ground up.  I'm starting at square one.  I'm learning how to trust in the Lord, have faith in his plan, and have hope in our future.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Birthdays are always hard when you are struggling with infertility.  This one was especially so.  I may have had a breakdown or two.  It was hard to think about how I always thought we'd be pregnant by now and how we really "should" have had 3 kids by now.  It was hard to think about how I've always wanted a really big family and feeling stressed about running out of time.  We've always talked about 6.  That was our number.  We always talked about wanting them close in age--about 2 years apart or so.  And, I hoped to have them all by 30!  Infertility has a way of stripping away any sense of control you have (or think you have ;)) over that aspect of your life.  I have no idea when we'll have our first, let alone the next ones.  I have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant after our first so the spacing is entirely out of our hands.  And, we have no idea how many kids we'll be blessed with.  Sometimes this is extremely frustrating.  In moments of spiritual clarity, I realize I'm glad I'm not in control.  I may not know what is going to happen, or how it's going to happen, but I know that the Lord has a plan for us.  I know that His plan is far better than the one we have come up with during pillow-talk every night.  I may not know or have control over any of these things, but I know I'll be happy.  I know the Lord's plan will be what is best for me in the long run.  In the end it will all make sense and I'll be happy with how it works out.

Today in church there was a talk about meekness.  I'd never thought much about that word or it's definition, but I was overcome by the spirit during the talk.  That is the character trait that the Lord wants me to start developing through this trial.  In the talk the man speaking gave a few definitions of meekness, but the few that stood out to me were patience and long-suffering in affliction, and trusting completely in the Lord.  I am at the point in this trial where I can picture myself kneeling at the feet of my Savior, laying the trial before Him, and saying, "I need you to carry this for me for a while.  I trust completely in your plan for us, but there is just no way I can carry this anymore."

So, as hard as this day has been, my life is worth celebrating.  I've been blessed with an incredible husband, strong and courageous friends, the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and an incredible strength beyond my own to make it through each day with a smile on my face.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Today I had my follow-up phone consolation with Dr. Foulk.  When I answered the phone, he said, "How are you doing?"  I said, "I'm doing alright, how are you?"  "Not well," he said, "I just can't believe we lost this one, Stephanie!"  Then we talked about all the nitty-gritty, when the bleeding started/stopped, the passing of "tissue" as they call it, and possible explanations for the miscarriage.  Then we talked about God and how things happen for a reason.  I love how freely he talks about God.  He is a little concerned because my HCG levels didn't drop very much in a week and half so he wants to really watch those to make sure they keep going down.  There is a chance that there is still some tissue that needs to be passed.  If this doesn't happen naturally they would have to intervene with a D&C or medication.  We are really hoping and praying that that is not the case.  He said that as difficult as this miscarriage has been it was really just "bad luck".  There is no apparent reason for the miscarriage.  The silver lining is that we now know I am capable of becoming pregnant.  We just need to make that happen again and the chances are very good that the next time will work. ;)  You can tell he really cares.  He left me with so much confidence and hope in the future.  We can do this!  Dare I say I'm excited to try again?  I know there are some really special spirits waiting to come to our family and I would do anything to get them here.

Today I was reading this talk and felt so inspired by this quote: "Hope is trust in God's promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future.  Abraham 'against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations.'  Contrary to human reason, he trusted God, 'fully persuaded' that God would fulfill His promises of giving Abraham and Sarah and child in their old ages."  Hopefully we won't be as old as Abraham and Sarah, but the Lord has promised that we will have children and we have so much faith and hope in that promise.  That is what gets us through when all seems lost.

I have such a sincere hope that there will be a lot of good that comes from this trial.  Some people may wonder, or even speak aloud the question of "WHY?!" when tragedy strikes.  When the Savior replied to the question, "Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?" He said that no one was at fault but that the works of God might be manifest in him.  I know we have seen the hand of the Lord throughout this trial and I hope you have seen His hand as you've followed our journey and witnessed the miracles.

"May we all face our challenges with faith, endurance, and trust in our Heavenly Father and His plan for each of us.  Remember, it's not what happens to us that matters; it's how we handle what happens that makes all the difference. 'When the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces,' the Savior's power and assurance can still make it possible for us to experience joy and peace.

"I testify that the Savior will abide with you in your darkest hour.  He is there, and he has declared, 'In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.' (John 16:33)"

Maybe the miracle wasn't what we hoped, but we have still seen many, many miracles along the way.  It was a miracle that I got pregnant.  It was a miracle that I was able to be a mom for a little while.  The peace and reassurance we have felt from the Lord has been a miracle.  The Lord has blessed me with the strength to keep getting out of bed everyday, and that is a miracle.  Maybe the miracle is how our marriage has been strengthened through affliction.  Or, the deepened relationship we've developed with the Lord.  Or, maybe the miracle is that we will continue to see many, many miracles as we do everything we can to bring His precious spirits into our home.  Perhaps the greatest miracle of all is the abiding hope we still have in our hearts that we will become parents someday.

FET #6: Results!

Each entry was written on the date listed, but we weren't ready to post them until now.  There will be two more posts after this one.  In case you missed them, here are links to the previous posts: FET #1: Medications and a Miracle; FET #2: Baseline, Meeting the Fenlons and SHOTS!; FET #3: Lining Check and Progesterone Shots; FET #4: Transfer Day!; FET #5: Bed Rest and the 2WW

Friday, January 24, 2013

This morning I woke up with butterflies.  Today is the day.  I think I flip back and forth between feeling anxious and feeling at peace--between thinking I'm pregnant and wondering if that's even possible because I can't even imagine how that would feel.  I have had so many negative pregnancy tests that I can't even fathom a positive anymore.  I just keep relying on that blessing I received from Matt, the feelings I had in the temple, and the way everything has fallen into place perfectly for this cycle.

I had called ahead to ensure that our local doctors office would be able to run the tests STAT, as our doctor had requested.  I was told they have a lab onsite, but when I showed up for my appointment at 8:15 before work I was informed that they don't have a lab on site and that the test might not be run until Monday.  I was a little stressed and annoyed, but Matt was quick to calm me down and we drove to a local lab to have the HCG blood test run there.  When I was checking in the lady asked if I would like to have the results emailed to me.  We had planned on having the doctor's office leave a voice message and listening to it together after work, but I thought it might be good to have a back up plan just in case they didn't call or something.

Well... now there is an email just sitting in my inbox with the results!!!

I just can't look.  I hope that doesn't mean I don't have faith, because I feel like I do.  I hope the Lord understands that I trust Him completely, but it doesn't mean my heart isn't just a little bit broken from all the negative results we've received in the past.  I know that I want to be with Matt when we receive the results--either way.  I'm surprised at how little self control I'm exerting because I don't actually want to find out right now--on my lunch break at work.  Though, I can't deny the knots in my stomach.  I'm quickly learning what it means to "pray always".  I need all the help I can get to stay sane today. 

...

Around 4 pm I had made myself so sick with worry that I called Matt and had him pick me up early from work.  My stomach was in knots.  Today was probably the most stressful day of my life.  On the way home I gave Matt instructions for how to read the results.  Three hormones had been tested, so I told him to just look for the HCG level.  When we got home I changed and sat on the couch while Matt checked.  It seemed to take him an ETERNITY and finally he started smiling and said, "...I think you're pregnant..."  Then he turns the computer to show me my estradiol level of 1377.  I said, "MATT, that's the wrong one!"  (He'll probably never live that down ;)).  Finally he found the HCG level and read it to me, but I wasn't really sure what it meant!  I called the doctor's office hoping that I could talk to a nurse and ask her what the number meant, but I had to leave a message.  We weren't really sure what to think!  We tried distracting ourselves for an hour and a half while we waited for the doctor's office to call us back.

...

Then my phone rang.  It was them!  I picked up and heard the nurse on the other end.  She said, "I'm not sure if you've received your results yet or not..."  I said, "Well, the lab emailed them to me, but I have no idea what they mean!"  Then she said, "Well, congratulations!  You're PREGNANT!  I'll send you a lab order to have your levels checked again in a week to make sure things are progressing.  Take care of yourself and stay hydrated."  We were in shock.  Then we sobbed and held each other.  Then we prayed and Matt gave me the most beautiful blessing I've ever received.  We have waited 5 years for this blessing, but it has become apparent to us that it has all happened according to the Lord's timing and His will for us.  We are overcome with gratitude.  This pregnancy is a MIRACLE.

I was so excited that I could finally take a pregnancy test and have a guaranteed positive!  Time to stick it to the stick.

BOO YAH BABY!

I also made sure to have Matt take a picture of me at 4 weeks (technically this is 4 weeks and 2 days ;)).  I'm going to get SOOOO fat--it's going to be awesome!!

We have had so much fun soaking this all in.  We've talked about baby names, pinned some nursery ideas, and dreamed about what this sweet little baby/babies will look like!  We are overwhelmed with joy, excitement, and anticipation!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Because all of our families were expecting news from our treatment, we announced our pregnancy a lot sooner than we would have otherwise. :)  We told our parents over Skype and called our siblings afterwards.  During our Skype call I said, "I have this awesome shirt I want to show you guys!...The only thing is that we won't be able to use it until October!"

They were only a little bit excited.  :)

Mom and Dad Purcell

Mom and Dad Pinegar

Baby Purcell Coming October 2014!!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I'm terrified.  I've been having some pretty serious spotting for the last couple days.  I've never felt so vulnerable in my entire life.  I've never spent so much time praying--for peace, for comfort, for this baby.  I've been given wonderful promises about this pregnancy and been reminded again and again that the Lord has power over all and to trust in Him.  Perhaps He is teaching me to be submissive, meek, humble, and to trust in Him fully and without restraint.  I feel as though I'm repeatedly laying my massive load at His feet and saying, "I just can't do this alone, I need you."  You know that song, I Need Thee Every Hour?  I love that song and feel it's especially applicable right now, except it's like, "I Need Thee Every 5 Minutes When I Have Another Panic Attack."  If the Lord is trying to refine me, it's working.  I've never felt so humble and dependent on Him in my entire life.  I have also never felt so much empathy for women who have miscarriages.  If this is you, I'm so, so sorry.  Your heart.  I'm sorry.  My empathy in general has increased as well.  You just never know what people are going through.  I know I've been a mess lately, and I'm so grateful for the understanding and loving people who surround me.

I know with all my heart that the Lord is in control.  He has all power to fulfill His word and His promises to us.  I know that He is aware of each of us and that He loves us more than we can ever possibly imagine.  I know that He wants our happiness even more than we do.  I know that the Lord will lift us up and carry us through the difficult times if we turn to Him.  I don't know what will happen with this pregnancy.  I hope with all of my heart that I'll be able to carry this baby (or these babies) to term, but if not, I know that I have a Lord and Savior who will make it all ok in the end.  Today, I'm relying on my faith in Him.

This video brought me peace today--it's one of my favorites.

 

Friday, January 31, 2014

Today I had another blood test to see if the pregnancy hormones are rising as they should.  They are still lower than we would like, but they seem to be rising normally so that's a great sign!  I just keep holding on to faith that everything will be alright.  I've been on bed rest since the spotting started five days ago and I've been drinking water like crazy.  We're doing everything we can.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Yesterday we had an appointment with the nurse at our OBGYN office to get established there.  She was awesome and so great to work with.  Before the meeting I started having some cramping, but I didn't want to worry Matt so I kept it to myself.  Looking back, I think I also didn't want to validate the pain by saying it out loud.  By the time we left the meeting and were driving home the cramping was intensifying and it was difficult to think of anything else.  This was partly due to my concern, I'm sure.  When we got home I laid down, but it still wouldn't stop so we called the doctor's office.  They suggested that I go and get my hormones tested right away instead of waiting until today.  We went in right away and then came home to wait.  Things didn't seem to be getting any better and the spotting seemed to increase as well.  

Finally we received the results and they didn't look good.  My numbers should have doubled and they only increased by 50%.  My doctors office said unfortunately, they can't tell what's going on for sure.  They can't say that I'm having a miscarriage unless those numbers are dropping and mine are still rising.  However, this news coupled with my symptoms had us convinced that a miscarriage was in the works.  Yesterday was a no good, awful, terrible day.  It was only brightened by the fact that I have an incredible husband.  Going through something like this only reminds me how blessed I am to have him as my partner.  I've been on bed rest for a week and he's been waiting on me hand and foot.  Every meal and snack is made by him and brought to the couch for me.  He goes grocery shopping, does the laundry, cleans the house, entertains me, makes me laugh, and most importantly, has given me a few incredible Priesthood blessings that I'll never forget.  I don't know if I've ever met someone with a heart as big as his.  He is going to be an incredible dad someday.

Today I'm feeling better.  The spotting has decreased a lot and the cramping now feels more like a fullness.  Confusing I know.  This roller coaster we are on, along with being on bed rest is really getting to me.  I'm trying so hard to have faith that the Lord can do anything, while also trusting in His plan for us.  This talk brought me comfort today.  I love this quote especially from that talk.

"In a sense all of us are in the middle of our own novels, our own life stories.  Sometimes our stories feel very intense, and we would like to read ahead to know our own end, to make sure that everything is going to turn out alright.  While we don't know the particular details of our life's experiences, we do know something about our futures, if we live worthily.  We are given this insight in Doctrine and Covenants 90:24: 'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly...' I sense that this promise comes from a tender, caring father who desires to bless us and give us reason to hope through our earthly journey... Sometimes we see immediate fulfillment of the promise.  Other times we plead for years before we see the desired promises fulfilled."

I know that the Lord will fulfill His promises to us if we remain faithful to Him.  I've never been through something so difficult in all my life and yet I feel the Lord making it easier to bear somehow.

Friday, February 7, 2014

On Wednesday I had my blood drawn again.  We were really hoping for a big jump to make us feel more comfortable about the situation.  We went in around 11 a.m. and I was so nervous, but we were really trying to remain hopeful and believe that a miracle could happen.  We came home and watched a show to pass the time.  Then we checked the results.  

I don't think anything could have prepared me for that moment.  My numbers had dropped...  Miscarriage is imminent.  Heartbreak.  WTH?!  We waited 5 years for THIS?  Shock.  How can this be happening?!  Sadness.  Anger.  Sooooo much ANGER.  Bitterness.  Resentment.  "Why did the Lord bless us with this pregnancy just to take it away?!  It just doesn't make any sense."  MISCARRIAGE?!  Disappointment like you wouldn't believe.  Fear.  "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!"  Heartache.  Denial.  Shock.  We are supposed to be an "easy fix"... why did the first cycle fail and now this?!  Pain.  So. Much. Pain.

We cried.  We held each other.  We talked, but mostly we just cried.  Then I laid on the couch while Matt sat at the other end rubbing my feet and legs.  He's an angel.  I could not dream of a better partner to face this with.  I was completely overcome with gratitude for him and for our relationship.  It was a good reminder of all the amazing blessings the Lord has blessed me with.  Surely, He has not and will not forsake us.

...

A few hours of this and I knew I had to make a decision.  I've never felt so low.  So angry.  So confused.  So frustrated.  But, I was at a crossroads.  I could choose to despair and lose faith, or I could choose to find hope and faith in my Savior and in the promises the Lord has made to us.  I knew I would be sad and heartbroken for a while, but despair was just not an option.  Despair is hopeless.  I know my Savior died for my happiness.  Only He can heal my broken heart.  Only He can fill this hole in my heart.  Only He knows exactly how it feels for Stephanie Camille Purcell to suffer through a miscarriage after 5 years of infertility and countless failed treatments.  Only He can provide the peace and comfort that my heart is aching for.

I turned to the words of His apostles.  You would think that the last thing I'd want to hear right then was that I needed to be grateful for my trials, but it actually provided a lot of comfort and understanding to read this talk.  Here are a few of my very favorite parts.

"...we should even give thanks for our afflictions because they turn our hearts to God and give us opportunities to prepare for what God would have us become.  The Lord taught the prophet Moroni, 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble,' and then promised that 'if they humble themselves … and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them' (Ether 12:27).  In the midst of the persecutions the Latter-day Saints were suffering in Missouri, the Lord gave a similar teaching and promise: 'Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; … and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good' (D&C 98:1, 3).

"I love the musical and motion picture Fiddler on the Roof. There a wonderful Jewish father sings “If I Were a Rich Man.” His memorable prayer concludes with this pleading question:

'Lord, who made the lion and the lamb,

You decreed I should be what I am;

Would it spoil some vast eternal plan,

If I were a wealthy man?'

"Yes, Tevye, it might. Let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."

I love that.  I have to trust that the Lord has a eternal plan for me.  That plan is sometimes hard to understand with my mortal mind, but I know my happiness and progression is His ultimate goal.

Yesterday morning I woke up in disbelief.  Did that really happen?  It was hard to see the constant reminders of our loss--the injectable medications on my dresser, the pregnancy book I had just purchased, the bag from our OBGYN after our first appointment just last week, the onsie we had used to announce our pregnancy to our parents.  I had already imagined this baby as a member of our family.  I had already imagined what it would be like to see OUR baby on an ultrasound next week--instead I had to cancel that ultrasound as well as my 10 week appointment.  One minute I'd feel strength from the Lord and then all the emotions would come rolling in again.

Sometimes the only peace I could find throughout the day came as I read the words of the Lord through his apostles.  I can't explain how much the words of this talk have helped me through these last few days.

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question 'Why me?'  At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness.  We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes.  We join in uttering the biblical plea, 'Is there no balm in Gilead?'  We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone...

"The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure.  A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish?  Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges.  To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself."

"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass.  We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits.  However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

"This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow.  Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life.  The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:

'Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.'"

"May we ever strive to be close to our Heavenly Father.  To do so, we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day.  We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain.  May His promise ever be our watchword: 'I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.'

"With all the strength of my soul, I testify that God lives and loves us, that His Only Begotten Son lived and died for us, and that the gospel of Jesus Christ is that penetrating light which shines through the darkness of our lives."

Today I'm feeling peace.  I can feel the prayers of our family members and a few others.  They are lifting us.  There really are "angels round about, to bear [us] up." Source  I never thought I could get through this, but somehow I am.  The Lord is blessing me with strength beyond anything I could have imagined and I'm moving forward somehow.  

Today I had to have another blood draw.  On the way to the lab we drove past the place where this miracle happened.

Check out all these angels!  These are some of the most incredible people I've ever known.

There were tears streaming down my face as I remembered all the angels I have met and all the miracles I have witnessed on our journey to parenthood.  I KNOW the Lord will not forsake us.  I know there will be many more miracles on our journey to parenthood.  The Lord is manifesting His hand to us through this trial.  I hope that as I've shared our journey with you, you've also seen His hand.  His love is all around us.

My heart still aches, and I still experience sadness and frustration, but it's all on the backdrop of an eternal perspective, peace, comfort and strength from the Lord.  I don't know if this heartbreaking loss will ever make sense to me, but I trust.  I trust in the Lord and His perfect plan for us.  I trust in His promises.  I know I'll be a mom someday.